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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25060258">Silence</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyTheMusicAddict/pseuds/RyTheMusicAddict'>RyTheMusicAddict</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mystic Messenger (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>707 | Choi Luciel's Real Name, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Deep Route Spoilers (Mystic Messenger), F/M, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Muteness, POV Main Character (Mystic Messenger), Recovering Choi Saeran, Self-Harm, She/Her Pronouns for Main Character (Mystic Messenger), Spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:09:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,562</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25060258</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyTheMusicAddict/pseuds/RyTheMusicAddict</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which you leave an unhealthy relationship and take solace with the Choi twins, but you're left with anxiety and injury that renders you mute.<br/>-------------------------<br/>TRIGGER WARNINGS: Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse; Self-harm; Depression; Suicidal Themes.<br/>Please do not read if this work will upset you.<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character, 707 | Choi Luciel/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>357</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Non-romantic 707 route; Takes place a few months after Saeran was rescued and he is almost fully recovered.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You had to be extremely careful, slow, and quiet, as always. As much as your body screamed to burst in and settle down and continue your act, your brain knew better. He could be inside already, it’s happened before. If he heard you and found out you had been out all day, it would give him a reason to lash out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not that he always </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed </span>
  </em>
  <span>a reason. It could happen at any moment, you never knew when the alcohol ran through his veins and took control. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your breath caught in your throat as the doorknob threatened to tell your daily activities with a single, quiet </span>
  <em>
    <span>creak</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Your body burned with fear as you slowly pushed the door open, enough to look through the crack into the living room. He wasn’t there in his usual spot. Thank god.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You still couldn’t take any chances, as he could be in another room, but seeing as he very rarely strayed from the creased portion of the old leather couch, your muscles relaxed substantially. You breathed a sigh of relief as you stepped in and immediately closed the door behind you, locking it just as he had left it when he left the house this morning. You gently called out his name, but the only response was the soft bouncing echo of your voice down the hallways.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Perfect. You ran into your bedroom, stripped yourself of your outdoor clothes, and hid them in your usual spot between the mattress and box spring. You threw on your usual lounge clothes immediately after, and bound into the bathroom. You had to now vigorously brush your teeth, because if he kissed you, he would have tasted the residue of the muffin you had a half hour prior. With one final hand run through your hair, you walked into the living room and sat in the bean bag chair in the corner.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The chatroom was lively as ever. Even Saeran was participating, albeit scarcely. The second you entered the chatroom, you were greeted warmly by the four already there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hihi!” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yoosung sent, along with his smiling emoji. Saeyoung’s greeting was along the same lines as Yoosung’s. Saeran and Jumin shared the same calm demeanor, resulting in similar welcomes. Soft jokes and statements were exchanged between everyone, until Saeyoung sent a single message, two words, that made your heart fall flat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“How’s Taeho?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The invisible door yet again stood wide open with opportunity. Your next words could let you out of this hell you’ve created for yourself. Your next words could save you from the regular beatings, assaults, and violations he laid upon you. Your next words could </span>
  <em>
    <span>get you out.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the fear stopped you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“He’s good, he’s still at work right now.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It would be so simple to just walk out that door and never look back. It would be so simple to leave this life behind and start anew. That’s what they would say, but you couldn’t. He had severed the ties between you and your family, forced you to belittle them and state that you never wanted any involvement with them, and the same happened with the few friends you had had before. Had he known about your involvement with the RFA, he would once again hold a metaphorical knife to your throat and force you to repeat your words you had said before. You had nowhere to go.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you kidding me? What did I say this morning?” The meter between you did nothing to conceal the reek of whiskey radiating from him as he shouted at you. You stood stiff and stared at your feet in shame.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do the dishes.” You replied meekly. The regret that you felt almost ached as much as the fist that collided with your eye immediately after your statement. It was with such force that you stumbled to the right, and just as you were about to fall, a strong hand gripped your wrist and yanked you back up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What was that?” He got closer to your face, and you had to hold back a gag in response to the pungent smell he was spitting at you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You told me to do the dishes.” You spoke louder, looking up to meet his burning blue eyes. A year ago, you felt love and adoration upon looking in those eyes and would swoon at the thought, but now… Now you only knew intense trepidation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You think you’re so brave, huh?” He leaned in so that your eyes were inches apart, and you swallowed and clenched your jaw, anticipating the next hit. “You think you’re so brave to defy me and ignore what I tell you to do. I stay out all day working my ass off so that we can live under this roof together and not wind up on the streets, and this is how you thank me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Your voice broke and a tear slid down your burning, throbbing cheek. Taeho grunted and took hold of your neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That voice of yours is pissing me off. I don’t want to hear you talk, I want you to get to work and do the shit I told you to. Stop being a lazy shit and get it done.” He grasped your throat and pulled you away from the wall that you stood against. It felt like he was crushing a thick cardboard tube in your neck, and the watered down pain still remained after he threw you to the ground to his left. Your wrist twisted under your weight and you immediately felt searing pain that was all too familiar to you: a sharp sprain that would leave you disfigured for a couple days at the least.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Am I going to make it out alive?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you have to be upset about?” Taeho hovered above you, where you were sitting on the couch with your sweater sleeves rolled up, exposing the work of the night before. He wasn’t drunk, so his manner was calmer. Remnants of the man you fell in love with still remained while he was in this state. “We’re happy, we have a warm house and food. Don’t hurt yourself.” He settled down on the couch next to you, and when you looked at him, you hardly believed those words. Had he worn a kind, loving expression, a scrap of hope might have been thrown your way, but instead you couldn’t make out anything resembling concern. His words were hollow, and his lack of feeling proved that. You simply broke away from his stare and looked back down at your red, angry wounds littering your wrists and forearms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeho sighed. “I don’t know what to do with you.” He simply leaned back into his usual crease on the sofa, kicked his feet up on the coffee table, and turned on the TV. You blinked a few times and wandered to your shared bedroom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Why can’t he see that the cause of your self hatred was </span>
  <em>
    <span>him? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He’s either oblivious enough to not recognise his own toxic behavior, or stubborn enough to refuse taking blame. Neither is healthy, and you knew that deep down. You were beginning to snap. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who cares?” You mumbled to yourself. You closed the bedroom door and prepared yourself for something you had never done before: exit the house while he was still there. With every step toward the bed your clothes sat under, your heart rate became stronger and faster. You tried to be quiet as you slipped from one outfit to another, but it was hard as the rapid, deafening flow of blood obscured your sense of hearing. This is where you had an internal battle, as both of your available options had pros and cons.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You could continue at your current, snail-like pace with the benefit of silence masking your actions, but every second you spent in the room was another second closer to when he would eventually come back and see you, and you didn’t know when that would be. Or, you could hurry up and get out before he came back, but that could be riskier as more noise to alert him could be made.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seeing as your only escape was the window and it could make quite a bit of noise if opened too harshly, you chose the former, although the other side of you that wanted to pick up the pace screamed at you. You tip-toed to the window on the other side of the wall that led out to the side of the house and began messily fumbling with the lock. Your hands were shaking more than they ever had, but when you finally opened the window enough to squeeze your body through, you hardly held back and shoved your way out. It took quite a bit of work to close the window from the outside, but once you did, you gripped your phone tight to your chest and sprinted toward the place that felt like a second home: the cafe.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The bells on the door rang and your muscles instinctively took you to your usual spot, which was a small, plush booth in the corner. The baristas who knew your name cheerfully greeted you and you shot a small smile in their direction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You opened the messenger and saw that there was only one other person, your best friend. You entered and began a cheerful conversation, completely contradicting the present melancholy and dread that loomed over you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hello Saeyoung! Whatcha doin’?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lolol hey, I’m just chilling. Afternoon been treating you well?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your throat and eyes stung as you lied, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>The hairs on the back of your neck stood up as you felt like a pair of eyes somewhere were trained on you, and you didn’t want to look out the window. You knew Taeho was there, he followed you. He was going to come into the cafe and drag you home. You knew it, but you thought that maybe, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe, </span>
  </em>
  <span>if you ignore it, it wouldn’t happen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Where you at right now?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Saeyoung’s message snapped you back to reality. Your hands began shaking again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m at a cafe near my house.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ah, is Taeho with you?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why is he asking questions? </span>
  </em>
  <span>You thought to yourself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“No, he likes to stay at home most of the time.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The psychic staring effect only intensified and you kept your eyes glued to your phone. You blinked a few times and swallowed to try to expel the lump that was growing. You placed your phone down on the table to grip your head in your hands out of stress. Nothing was happening to you, but the threat was overwhelming. Taeho must be close, just waiting for the right time to strike. You shook your head and looked back down at your phone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why do you have a black eye?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Had you been holding your phone in your hand, it would now be shattered on the floor. Your pupils dilated, your shoulders squared, and the trembling controlling your body went haywire. It wasn’t Taeho, the feeling of being watched wasn’t a result of his presence. It must have been Saeyoung, but you didn’t see him when he came in. Hell, the bells hung on the door hadn’t chimed since you came in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Piercing fear ran through your veins when someone sat down in the booth in front of you. You were still staring down at your phone, and you were scared to look up at whoever it was. You knew who, but you thought that surely, it wasn’t possible. It was his sharp articulation of the syllables of your name that made you snap out of your fears and look up into his amber eyes, seeming clear but fogged with worry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened to you?” He asked, plain and simple, though each word pushed you further to tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” You were torn between telling the truth, screaming out that your boyfriend of 2 years had been beating you for 9 months now over trivial things, or to keep up this façade, further build up this wall between the RFA and the truth behind your relationship. It was your hesitancy that caused Saeyoung’s eyebrows to visibly twitch, but he kept himself composed for you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me what happened.” He stated firmly again. It was no longer an optional question, he wasn’t going to let you get away without providing an answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got hit with a ball when I was walking in the park.” Lying right through your teeth. But what would happen if you exposed Taeho? He held a gun to your temple at all times and you had no clue when he was going to shoot, and if he found out, there was a huge possibility you wouldn’t make it out in one piece.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” You looked back down at your lap, desperate for him to stop questioning, as every word he spoke was a word closer to a breakdown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Saeyoung stated, and you sighed, until, “Let’s repeat those questions, this time without you lying to me.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>How…? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He could see right through you, how did you expect to keep these walls up? Moreso, how long were you expecting him to go without breaking them down and finding out the truth? Your silence spoke volumes, and combined with your refusal to lock eyes with him, he was joining the dots.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it Taeho?” He whispered, barely discernible among the buzzing of coffee makers and other patrons of the cafe. Your mouth tightened and your eyes squeezed shut, confirming every fear he had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What are you supposed to do now? The jig is up. He knows. To what extent, you aren’t aware, but a single black eye isn’t more or less valid than tens of broken bones. No matter the extent of the damage Taeho caused, it could never be justified. Abuse is abuse, and Saeyoung didn’t need to see all of it to know that it was happening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s Saeran?” You tried to change the subject, though it wouldn’t make him forget your reaction to his question. Saeyoung pursed his lips and shifted in his seat, but sighed and dropped his previous inquiry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He still lashes out now and then, but… he’s in the bathroom right now actually, he’s almost fully grown out his hair.” You glanced up at Saeyoung and saw a light, proud smile. Understandably, Saeran had wanted to break away from his brother for so long, even going so far as to bleach his hair to get away from Saeyoung’s hair color, but if he stopped bleaching his hair, it shows that he’s no longer trying to get away. You grinned and fidgeted with the hem of your sleeve under the table, thankful that he hadn’t seen your wrists.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s good.” You looked down at your phone, which was still open in the chatroom. You exited the messenger just as you got a text that made you want to implode in shame and fear.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Where the hell are you?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>from the worst man at the worst time. You tried not to flinch, but it was hard as your mind immediately began racing with possibilities; slapped to the ground, hair pulled, kicking while you were down, shouting, berating…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You started to slide out of the booth, but Saeyoung grabbed your wrist. His fingers brushed against the fresh wounds through the sleeve, and the burning pain shooting up to your elbow caused you to mewl quietly. You looked at his hand, and your anxiety became harder to hide by the minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to go back home, Taeho is waiting for me.” Your voice was surprisingly flat, considering your subtle stuttering breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look me in the eyes and tell me that he’s not hurting you,” Saeyoung said. Your body shuddered and his grip was doing nothing to alleviate the pain. He was unaware that while he was trying to be protective and protect you from pain, he was causing some himself. Could he not feel the wounds beneath the fabric, or even the heat of the irritation?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You peered at his golden eyes and saw the most serious expression you’d seen him make. You huffed and fear boiled into anger. You needed to protect yourself, you would get hurt beyond comprehension if Taeho found out that you leaked the truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not hurting me.” You snapped and ripped your wrist away from his hand, wincing at the pain. Before he could respond, you turned and tread toward the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Upon exiting the warm cafe, the cold winter air instantly bit your nose and ears, and in fear of being followed by Saeyoung, you picked up your pace and refused to glance back. Snowflakes began to fall from the sky and delicately land on the ground and into your hair, and if you didn’t have terror consuming your mind, you would have found it relaxing and beautiful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After 10 minutes of walking through the small town and into the residential portion where you lived, you saw your house in the distance, along with…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was waiting outside for you, your cover was blown. The tears began falling before he even noticed you walking toward the house. Your knees began shaking and your anxiety became a ball and chain clinging to your ankles, making it harder and harder to step forward. Once his head turned and his eyes landed on you, you could see him take in a deep breath, and judging by the swaying of his body and his slouched shoulders, you could tell that he had already had a few drinks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where have you been?!” He shouted at you, and his declaration bounced off of the other houses, and surely your neighbors would have heard him if they were outside. You looked down and twitched your thumbs, trying to avoid looking at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” You choked out a cry and sniffed. At this point, you were a couple meters away from him, and you didn’t want to get closer, but the few steps he took toward you eliminated that desire to keep your distance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what I asked. I don’t want to hear your sappy apology, I want to know where the hell you snuck off to!” He scolded through clenched teeth, and you broke down further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...The cafe down the road.” You sobbed. His seething stare drilled into your head, and you tried your best to avoid trembling, as you knew that would provoke him further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get inside.” He said, and you frantically nodded and sprinted to the door, fumbling your way inside. He stormed in after you and slammed the door louder than he ever had, and you instinctively got down on your knees and held your arms over your head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Am I not good enough for you? You’re looking to cheat on me, aren’t you?” His voice became increasingly louder, and you tensed further to brace for the hit. You shook your head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liar!” His shoe collided with your stomach and knocked you down to your side. You curled up into a ball, hoping that it would be enough to protect yourself. You were wrong though, he reached down and buried his fist into your hair, forcing your face up to meet his. He may as well have had steam coming out of his ears, he was visibly fuming. His other hand reached down and clasped around your neck, quickly tightening and closing your throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt like your lips, ears, fingertips, toes, and head swelled beyond what’s capable. No matter how hard you gasped, your peripheral vision faded out and you felt pins and needles take over your scalp. You tried to scream for help, but you couldn’t even produce a squeak. You thrashed and struggled, raking your nails across Taeho’s face, arms, and hand, but as seconds passed, you became weaker and weaker.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember how I told you I would kill you? You thought I was lying, huh?!” His voice sounded miles away, and you internally begged to take in just one breath. “I could make it look like a suicide, the cuts on your arms would help me out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A steady, loud sound that sounded like crashing filled the air. You couldn’t tell if it was the pulsing of your body or the lack of oxygen causing hallucinations, or if it actually happened. The fist from your hair quickly vacated, and it felt like the grip on your throat loosened enough for you to draw in a shallow breath, which, although it still wasn’t comfortable, felt like heaven.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You felt tears overflowing from your eyes down your cheeks. You were underwater, you couldn’t hear anything clearly, nor see any clearer. You could only see light trickling through the now-open door, and a few shadows moving around, and you heard loud arguing, voices indistinct and blending together. You reached up again at the hand on your throat to try to pry it away, but you only clawed at your own neck. The hand was… gone? The sharp sting of your nails peeling your skin away was made clear a couple seconds after the realisation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A body dove toward you, and in your weak state, you tried desperately to scramble away, but arms wrapped around your body and one voice became clearer, but barely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you… man? ...feel like a man to make … cower?” You could make out. It wasn’t Taeho, but one you couldn’t recognise in this moment of time, and two other voices further away continued to shout. You could feel yourself fading away, and you still struggled against this person’s grip, but you stayed in the same place despite your efforts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...need an ambu… police as well, quick. Please.” </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He felt it, as soon as you left the cafe in a hurry that something bad was going to happen. Luckily, Saeran had just come back to meet Saeyoung, and when he felt his brother’s hand on his shoulder, he sharply inhaled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on,” Saeyoung started walking in long, quick strides in order to follow behind you and make sure you were safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” Saeran asked while tailing his brother. Saeyoung pressed his fingers to his lips to try to tell him to be quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a bad feeling about her going back home to her boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Taeho?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. She has a black eye and I feel like she was lying when she denied being hurt.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t it bad to follow her, though? You’re kinda being a creep, Hyung.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She could be a victim of abuse, and I just…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t you say you’d never met the guy? You could just be jumping to conclusions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the thing - She doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> anyone to meet him. Whenever anybody brings up the topic she just shuts it down. We don’t know what kind of guy he is, and there’s a possibility that he is hurting her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, I see.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You turned onto a street lined with houses and they lost you for a moment, but the echoes of a man’s voice caused them to both flinch; it reminded them of their mother. Realising that the situation could be on the same level as what they endured as children, they both looked at each other and silently communicated that they needed to step in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The twins sprinted down the road to the corner you had turned down, just in time to catch some of the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...I don’t want to hear your sappy apology, I want to know where the hell you snuck off to!” Saeyoung could see your shoulders heaving as you cried. Your reply was quiet and indistinguishable, but audibly broken.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get inside.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They observed as you raced into the house, visibly trembling in fear, followed by a stomping man, who Saeyoung recognised from his background searches as none other than Taeho Jun. He felt a pit in his stomach and, without thinking, raced down the road, through the front yard of your house, and to the door. He was pounding his fist on the door within a minute, and the door swung open just as Saeran caught up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t want to buy anything.” He bit, and began to close the door again, but Saeyoung shoved his foot in the door frame. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing to her?” He felt his fists clench in anger, completely against his conscious efforts to stay calm. The arguing continued and Saeran kind of blocked it out, until he looked past Taeho into the house, only to see you in the middle of the living room, doubled over, and even in the dim light, he could make out red marks all over your neck. When you appeared to try to take something away from your throat, he shoved past the two men in the doorway and slid on his knees to your side. Having been choked by his mother in the past, he recognised the behaviors you were displaying, and he ripped his phone from his pocket and rapidly called emergency services. The house smelled vaguely of stale whiskey, and it again reminded him of his mother, shooting a shiver through his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While waiting for an answer to the call, he drew you closer to his body to act as a shield if Taeho stepped closer. While he had only communicated with you through the messenger for the past few months, so normally the embrace would have been awkward, he felt a strong need to protect you, particularly on Saeyoung’s behalf. Your weak struggling told him that you were unaware of who he was, and he could tell you couldn’t see because you were staring right up at him. He turned his head behind him back at Taeho, and saw that Saeyoung had him in a chokehold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you feel like a man?! Does it make you feel like a man to make her cower?! What did you do to her?” Saeran almost screamed, and you weakly pushed on his chest in response to his raised voice. He wasn’t thinking about how shouting could trigger a visceral reaction in you because of what Taeho may have done to you in the past. The worker on the other side of the line spoke, but in his rage-filled state he couldn’t make out the words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He still responded, “We need an ambulance, a girl has been choked and she’s not breathing properly,” he glanced back at your boyfriend, “Send police as well, quick. Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright sir, what’s the address?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyung!” He shouted, “Address!” In an attempt to look at the house number, Saeyoung stumbled backward, still holding Taeho, so it was a bit awkward to move. Once he knew the first half, he glanced down the street at a street sign and though he could barely make out the letters, he shouted the address to his younger brother. Saeran repeated it into the phone, and once he heard the confirmation, he blocked everything else out and focused on you. Bruising was already forming around your neck, and tears were still flowing from your eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey,” Saeran directed your head up to look at him, “Look at me. Who am I?” He needed to know a few different things. Were you able to hear his question? Were you able to see and recognise his face? And after establishing the answer to both of those questions, what would your voice sound like?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You seemed to try to take in a breath to begin speaking, but instead ended up coughing and wheezing. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit, okay, she can’t talk.</span>
  </em>
  <span>Saeran began to panic, what was he supposed to do? While Saeyoung only got to the door a few seconds after Taeho closed it, so you were only choked for, at most, about 6 or 7 seconds, he still knew it could be severe. Judging by your behavior, you were clearly not fine, which made things scarier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything was a blur for both of the twins after the sirens could be heard. You were torn from Saeran and ushered into the back of the ambulance. Saeyoung begged to be let in with you and go to the hospital, but the paramedics denied for two reasons: The vehicle would be bustling and busy as they raced to treat you on the way, so there wouldn’t be enough room, and for all they knew, the twins could have had a hand in your injury. They needed to be taken to the police station with Taeho for questioning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the station, it was made almost immediately clear that Taeho was too drunk to be effectively interrogated, so the police had to hold him for a few hours while he sobered up. In the meantime, Saeyoung and Saeran were separated for questioning, and while Saeran was calm as he knew they did nothing wrong, Saeyoung was a nervous wreck. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What if they find out who I am? If there are agents here, they’ll find out I turned against the agency. Or the police will find out about my life as an informant. What if we’re recognised as his kids? He tried to kill us so many times as children, we have no protection here if they find out. We look just like him… What if…</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Saeyoung’s heart shattered. IVs were attached to your arm and hand, heart rate monitors were hooked underneath the scrubs you had been dressed in, and a loud, buzzing ventilator sat next to the bed, attached to an oxygen mask. The mask was foggy, and he couldn’t see inside of it very well, but he could tell that a couple tubes went through the mask and into your mouth and nose. The heart rate monitor displayed several numbers and lines whose purposes and intentions were lost on him. His eyes wandered down to your arms, and that’s when he realised you had countless, strategic cuts on your wrists. He shuddered and tried to stop from thinking about the cause; neither case was favorable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, the patient’s carotid arteries weren’t obstructed completely, so the oxygen starvation she suffered wasn’t nearly enough to do any long-lasting mental damage,” The doctor flipped through a packet of paper, “Most of the damage affected her trachea and larynx,” Saeyoung tore his eyes from your body and looked at the doctor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her trachea was crushed with such force that it caused laryngeal trauma, an endotracheal intubation was performed to help her breathe. The larynx was torn slightly, almost fractured, and the tube is there to help her breathe and reduce the amount of force to it while it heals.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The mask she’s wearing is there to hold the tube in place, and that tube is running down her throat and just past her ‘voice box.’ Because it was torn, she would have a hard time breathing and needs assistance for now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeyoung nodded. The doctor placed the packets on a counter a few feet from you before giving the red-haired man a simple nod and leaving the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking at your body again, he felt a wave of pity followed by a crash of feral rage. He was mad at Taeho, of course, for injuring you to this extent and causing crippling damage, but he also felt a twinge of betrayal from you. He knows that abusive relationships are hard to escape, of course, but he held his arms wide open for you and even hinted that he had room for you in his new bunker. Yet, you did nothing to escape from Taeho. He knew that’s what you had wanted for so long, he could detect the pain in your voice, facial expressions, hell, even your messages, every time he was brought up in conversation. It hurt him to know that though you wanted to get out, you refused to accept his help. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did you not trust him? Did he do something wrong?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, no. </span>
  </em>
  <span>While he knew what it was like to be abused, he knew that he wouldn’t fully understand your exact situation. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I shouldn’t blame her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it a coma, or…?” Saeran asked. He was standing at the foot of the bed, and Saeyoung was sitting in a chair that he dragged close to your side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The doctor didn’t say anything about that,” the older twin shook his head without taking his eyes off of you. “Any updates?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Last I heard, he’s refusing to cooperate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t surprise me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jumin’s the one paying for the medical expenses, yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeran looked around the room, and suddenly images began crashing down on him of his time in the hospital. He opened his mouth to speak, but once his eyes landed on a window, he wordlessly tread over and looked out at the clouds to calm himself down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a while, the only noises in the room were the buzzing of the ventilator and the steady </span>
  <em>
    <span>beep… beep… beep… </span>
  </em>
  <span>of the heart rate monitor. It was extraordinarily slow, causing a pang of worry in Saeyoung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You hungry?” Saeran broke the jarring vocal silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A little bit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So am I. Give me some money.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeyoung let out a chortle, surprising both of them. “For what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s a vending machine in the hallway. Give me your wallet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get me a-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ph.D Pepper?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Yeah.” Saeyoung pulled his wallet out from his jacket pocket and held it over his shoulder. Saeran took it and disappeared into the hallway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The dark purple bruising lining your neck was admittedly disturbing. How could someone heartlessly hurt another person to this extent, to land them in a hospital bed requiring intensive care and assistance? What was </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong </span>
  </em>
  <span>with Taeho?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A knock on the doorframe caused him to direct his eyes upward, and it was a familiar face. His grey eyes were contorted with subtle vexation that one would have missed if they did not know him. In his hand, he held a small vase of flowers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s me,” Jumin stepped further into the room and placed the vase on the counter next to your bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You brought her flowers?” A sharp, indescribable feeling appeared in Saeyoung, he hadn’t felt it in a few months. When he did in the past, it was because he recognised that you were having fun chatting with others in the chatroom without him. He still couldn’t put his finger on the cause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re not from me, Assistant Kang heard about her condition and wanted these to get to her. She’s busy with a client at the office so she sent me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So the assistant is sending her boss to run errands for her?” Saeyoung would have smirked if the situation wasn't so heavy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I needed to come here anyway to make sure she’s getting the treatment we agreed on. Looks like she is, if that’s intubation.” He stepped closer to you to examine the numbers on the monitor you were hooked up to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that’s what the doctor said. Do you have any idea when she’ll wake up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s not comatose, so you </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>wake her up if you really wanted to, but she’s sleeping for a reason. I’m not the doctor, I can’t say for certain when it’ll happen naturally.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hello Mr. Han.” Saeran’s voice appeared behind Jumin’s tall figure, and Saeyoung saw that he was holding three things: a can of the soda he loves so much, a cupcake with a cute bear design out of frosting, and a wide package of… something. Saeran shoved the can of Ph.D Pepper into his brother’s hand after placing the cupcake down on the counter. Saeyoung’s curiosity was appeased when Saeran tore it open, revealing a thick red popsicle with two sticks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need for you to call me that.” Jumin waved a dismissive hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here?” Saeran stopped himself from curling his lip. He was really only expecting to interact with his brother, and he still felt a bit of guilt and a sliver of pique toward the other members of the RFA, and that often augmented upon seeing them face-to-face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I needed to see for myself that she was getting the appropriate treatment for her condition. Not that I don’t trust the doctors, but I still needed to verify.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm.” Saeran took the popsicle from the wrapper and split it in half with the two sticks. While he was most likely unaware of the weight of this action, Saeyoung felt a surge of pride as he accepted the half offered to him. Just like they were kids.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They sell popsicles in the vending machines?” Saeyoung tasted the ice pop. Strawberry!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, they had one for frozen food in the lobby.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh. Never seen that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jumin wordlessly left the room. The twins returned to their original positions, Saeran cloud gazing and Saeyoung examining you in your state. Your chest rose and fell, and with each inhale, the ventilator buzzed a tiny bit louder. The noise was piercing in the quiet room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The peace was abruptly cut short as the heart rate monitor steadily increased from an unvarying 52 beats per minute up to around 75, alarming both brothers. Saeyoung was about to stand up and fetch a nurse when he saw your arms and hands begin to fidget and stir. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is she…?”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Where…?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt like there was rubber in your mouth, and you also felt an urge to swallow, but you couldn’t, no matter how hard you tried. Beeping sounds on your left, buzzing on your right. A sickly metallic taste clung in your sore throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is she…?” A man’s voice from a few feet away. The few, short words packed feelings of hope and optimism, which was out of your assailant’s character. You still didn’t want to open your eyes just in case they landed on the attacker’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your name was called by a different voice, and this time, your stomach turned. Your fears were only confirmed when you briefly opened your eyes and saw two people: Saeyoung, sitting right next to the edge of your bed, and his identical twin, standing behind his brother. Both were staring at you, and Saeyoung’s expression made you want to cry. Furrowed eyebrows, wide, glassy eyes, downturned lips. Everything about his face was painted with distress or concern.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, you’re okay. You’re okay!” He lit up and his hand brushed against yours, but it only broke your heart. If they were clearly visiting you in the hospital after a nearly deadly attack from your boyfriend, the facts had surely made their way to the both of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You wanted to talk, to try to apologise for keeping such a secret, to try to explain yourself and beg for forgiveness for lying. The moment you tried making noise, though, you felt a thick pressure in your throat, and the attempt to speak was ineffective. You couldn’t even hum, or move your lips without being restricted by the rubber.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeyoung read you like a book, and your pained appearance was just as understandable as if you had spoken a thousand words. “We’re not mad at you, nobody is mad at you. None of this is your fault. You’re okay, please don’t feel guilty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That piece of shit is in police custody.” Saeran sneered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, right. You shouldn't try to talk or anything, you have, uh… a tube?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Intubation. If I’m remembering correctly, your larynx was torn from the strain and it was creating-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think it was about the same level as if you had a piece of food stuck in your throat,” Saeyoung interrupted, earning him a firm smack on the back of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is all too much. You knew deep down that the relationship would kill you, Taeho was simply a ticking time bomb. All of this information being thrown at you was overwhelming. The fact that you couldn’t talk to tell them anything either was more exasperating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t keep any more secrets from us. We really want to help you.” Saeyoung said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Secrets don’t help anyone.” Saeran mumbled. He took a bite of something that looked like a red popsicle. Saeyoung shot a glare behind him, which didn’t faze his brother at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So… This is my life now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s denying everything,” Saeran entered the room, exhausted. “Says there’s no evidence that it was him. Piece of shit.” Out of anger, he kicked the cabinet under the counter that your flowers sat on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Calm down-” Saeyoung started.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How am I supposed to calm down?! This alcoholic just attempted to murder your best friend and is now dodging the blame!” Saeran raised his voice, and it scared you. Reminded you of the times you were yelled at and berated all night. Sleep bereft, ripped from your hands. The whiskey staining your skin, clothes, the carpet, the walls. Cutting your feet on glass shards embedded between the fibers of the rugs. Ears ringing for days from the screaming inches from your head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Saeran, shut the hell up.” Saeyoung snapped, and Saeran’s eyes flared until they landed on you, sitting up and clutching your head, cowering, trembling, bracing for a hit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeran’s hands balled up into fists and he clenched his teeth. He was now angry at himself for causing the same emotion in you that Taeho did, becoming the man you feared. He turned and rushed out of the room, leaving you and Saeyoung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay, he’s not mad at you. He won’t hurt you.” Saeyoung rubbed his hand up and down your back, trying to soothe you. You eventually shook your head and flopped back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You squinted your eyes and stared at the ceiling, disgruntled and defeated. You were a bit angry that, for a moment, you thought Taeho was back in the room even though he was in police custody. Apparently refusing to cooperate, which was a little scary. What if he wasn’t apprehended the way he deserved? If you should believe Saeyoung, it was an attempted murder, or at least aggravated assault. Taeho was in the wrong, not you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite what you had been told--no, </span>
  <em>
    <span>trained</span>
  </em>
  <span>--to believe, Taeho was the one in the spotlight. You were always told, though, that everything he was doing was all in your head. You’d never been in a relationship before, everything you’ve heard is just fantasy, you’re in a normal relationship. Everything bad that happened was either your fault or “all in your head,” in his words. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe this really is my fault… I brought this upon myself. I should have just kept my head down…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>God, what you wouldn’t give to articulate your anger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even sitting in the hospital bed, quite possibly dead if not for the intervention, hooked up to various machines to </span>
  <em>
    <span>save your life, </span>
  </em>
  <span>you were blaming yourself because of the months of condescension, criticism, manipulation, gaslighting, degradation… You were now thinking the same things about yourself that he told you. He planted seeds of doubt in yourself that have now sprouted and caused you to degrade yourself without Taeho’s interference. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You didn’t even have it in you to cry. Has melancholy died and been replaced with firm apathy? Maybe it would have been better if he had kept your throat crushed beneath his strong thumbs, kept you writhing in his grasp until the world withered away. Even with his absence, he still whispered the words to you from afar, who’s to say you’ll break away? Your death would have released you from the hell he’s morphed your mind to be.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sitting in a hospital bed with nothing to do--hell, you can’t even</span>
  <em>
    <span> move </span>
  </em>
  <span>on your own with all of the equipment hooked up to you--was boring. The past 4 days were boring. Dull. Monotonous. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Phone. Where the HELL is my phone?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeran was sitting at the windowsill on the other side of the room doing something on his phone, every now and then glancing up at the snowflakes twirling and dancing in the air outside the window. Saeyoung had left around half an hour ago to get something from his house, but because you didn’t even know where this hospital was located in comparison to his destination, you didn’t know if he would be back in a few seconds or hours. You wanted your phone, but you needed Saeran to do it for you. You had a ‘call nurse’ button, but it was irrelevant in this situation. How you could get his attention from across the room without the ability to vocalise was beyond you, other than doing something that could possibly piss him off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Throwing a pillow at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Surely he would understand, right? After all, you couldn’t talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After an internal debate, you decided. In one smooth, quick motion, you leaned forward, reached over your shoulder, grabbed the corner of the pillow you were leaning against, and hurled it at Saeran. He was looking downward, and your aim was exceptional, so his face was met with a firm hospital pillow before he even knew how to react. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gah- wh-?” Saeran straightened up and glared in your direction. If looks could kill… Once he realised it was only you, he relaxed a little bit, but his face was still sketched with miff. “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Uh… Phone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>As if he could read your mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He would understand charades, right?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>After a moment of awkward silence while you thought about how to communicate, you replicated on your hand your desired item and brought it up to your ear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, uh…” He stood up and started scanning the room. His cool blue eyes landed on the ceiling cabinet hanging to your left. “Your bag should be in here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Bag?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>After noisily rummaging through multiple items you couldn’t see, Saeran pulled out a large clear plastic bag with your name written on it. From what you could see, a bundle of clothes that you were wearing at the time was the only thing, but you knew there was more. He placed the bag in your lap and you almost ripped it open, eager to get your hands on your belongings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were right about your clothes, but what you had missed was a smaller bag with your jewelry, and when you moved your clothes, a pin fell out onto your leg. You picked it up and recognised it as the pin Saeyoung gave to you before you went to rescue Saeran.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re not giving this to me. I can’t accept this.” You started to hand it back to him, but he stepped away and shook his head.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Excuse me miss,” he started dramatically, “You cannot refuse a gift from God Seven that easily. It’s yours.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Your thumb swiped over the</span>
    <span> textured image.</span>
    <span> A small, possibly custom, image of a white cat (that looks suspiciously like Elizabeth the 3rd) sitting and staring with wide, sparkling blue eyes, and a speech bubble that simply held a single small, red heart. Seeing the small symbol made yours swell with an indiscernible feeling.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe a good idea to save this for a rainy day. A broken pin and a broken spirit are the only things you would have to look forward to if Taeho sees it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was one of the happiest moments you two shared, despite the small feeling of worry if your boyfriend found it. A small smile creeped onto your face as you pinned it to your gown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>During the time you were at the apartment and helping Saeyoung with his brother, you told Taeho you were visiting family. Maybe that’s what caused you to have to isolate from them at his command; he was oddly upset when you returned, perhaps he didn’t like being away from you for so long. He wasn’t nearly as strict back then, it could be that he hadn’t yet discovered whiskey at that point.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, right. Phone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>You dug in the pockets of your clothes and pulled it out, pleasantly surprised it was still charged, though 34%, but it’s something. You opened up the messenger to Zen.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Whoa, hi! How are you feeling?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>His eager message was to be expected, but your vitality barely matched a quarter of his.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“This sucks.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>You wish you were lying. There wasn’t a single person you could think of who enjoyed having their larynx torn as a result of being strangled by the person who’s supposed to love and protect you.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I bet, I’m sorry. I just got off the phone with Saeyoung, he should be near the hospital now so he should be there soon so that you’re not alone.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Saeran is in the room too.” Dammit, he still has my pillow.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh?!?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, didn’t Saeyoung tell you? He was apparently the one who helped me and called for the ambulance.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wow… he must be doing a lot better, then.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“For the most part. He’s a good person who was just caught up in the wrong circumstances.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The both of you are quiet, as you didn’t really have much to talk about. Well, aside from the elephant in the room--chatroom? But you really weren’t in the right place to address it just yet. It stayed fairly still until Saeran entered the chatroom. You held your breath (well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>would have </span>
  </em>
  <span>had you not been connected to a ventilator that half-forced you to breathe) and anticipated his response to what you had said about him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Really…?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Was his simple return, and from across the room you could see his perked eyebrows and grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>You knew that he was worried that people would treat him like the villain for his remaining life, but that’s not why you said what you did. Both you and Saeyoung genuinely believe it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you…”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“If you really loved me, you would spend more time with me. It feels like you’re distancing and blowing me off just to hang out with other people. I’m hurt.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Your dad is too critical, he’s been riding my ass because he thinks I’m not good enough for you. I think it’s a good idea to cut him off for now.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You visited your family for 3 weeks? What am I to you, a weed? You care about me, don’t you?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You really don’t have the right body to pull that off, you shouldn’t wear it. It only makes you look like a pig.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re so sensitive. I didn’t mean it like that. You’re taking everything the wrong way recently. Stop twisting my words and using them against me.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I wouldn't have to tell you this if you weren't useless. God, you're such an airhead, the world is only going to beat you down if you're like this. Just listen to me."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you really trying to control me? I can drink how much I want. Mind your own business.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’ve been spending so much time away and you don’t even have a job. I do all of the work here, please just make yourself useful and stay at home doing your part.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re so damn stupid. I might as well kill you if you keep this shit up.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re getting so ugly, you need to lose weight.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How many times do I have to tell you before it gets through your thick skull? I’m the one who makes the money, it’s my house, you only need to sit down and know your fucking place. How hard is that?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>“Remember how I told you I would kill you? You thought I was lying, huh?!”</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You snapped your eyes open. The dark room was barely illuminated by the blinking lights of the machines attached to you, the analog clock that read 3:05, and the dim stars in the sky out the window. You felt your face damp with tears, replicating the ones you had shed the first time you heard the words leave his mouth. Though the twins would keep you company during the day, it was way past visiting hours at this point. You could only sob in the dark room, feeling desolate as Taeho’s words echoed in your mind, until you eventually cried yourself back to sleep, but it’s only false hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not a blink of it since.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...So damn stupid.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“We brought you a pillow. The hospital’s pillows must be uncomfortable.” Saeyoung attempted to make eye contact, but you couldn’t meet his stare.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Know your fucking place.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Your body remained rigid when he gently placed the soft pillow on your lap, and you looked up from your marked arms at it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The taunting words had been repeating in your head for hours, as vividly as you remember. How has Saeyoung not yet read your pained emotions deep in your eyes?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You thought I was lying, huh?!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>If he wasn’t lying about trying to kill you, does that mean he told the truth about everything else? Were you really controlling him? You were only caring about his health when you noticed he was drinking more and more. You really should have stayed and worked around the house, he was the breadwinner, so he was busy after all… </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Should have stayed in my place. I should have known what would happen. I can’t blame him. He only kept his promise.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” A hand on top of yours brought you back to your body, but your eyes stayed still. “Hey, are you okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look tired…” From the end of the bed. You gave a faint nod.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you been up all night?” You blinked. Your vision became clearer and you could identify Saeyoung as the one sitting beside you; might as well be protocol at this point. You shook your head and held up the number three on your free hand. You were insouciant regarding the time you’d been awake, busy while lost in the fog in your mind, but Saeyoung was immediately alarmed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You woke up at three? It’s nine now…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time had only been a haze. The ten days you’d been in the bed seemed like a few minutes, but at the same time, you felt like you had been there for years. The hours meant nothing at this point.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should get some sleep today,” Saeran turned and sat in his usual spot by the window.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You forced your eyes to look up from the pillow into Saeyoung’s golden eyes. He offered a light smile, but his lack of eye involvement told you that it was forced. You didn’t know, but there’s reason for it to be something more.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Putting up with me… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you still here?” is the only thing you wanted to say, why? Why are they putting up with you? Why are they willing to be in the same room as you when you can’t even communicate other than the words you put on your phone screen? Wasn’t it irritating to be the only one talking?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though you were finally getting the tube taken out later today, you still were advised to try to refrain from speaking until further notice. So even though you’re getting the physical barrier removed, there was another hurdle to overcome before you could even come close to being able to reciprocate. Hell, you still had to learn how to swallow again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What’s the point? What’s the fucking point? I’m a bad person… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>You redirected your regard back to your injured wrists. None of the marks had been severe enough to be stitched. Deeper, bigger, yawning. Maybe that’s the only way to numb your mind. Either numb or defeat entirely, either was okay at this point. You just wanted to end the pain, mute the constant goading forever repeating. It’s beginning to turn from remembrance of his remarks, to involuntary belief and twisted self-image. Death seems better than the indefinite migraine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Her eyes looked so… lifeless.” Saeyoung had turned around to address his brother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...That’s… not good.” Saeran’s eyes drifted to your sleeping figure. Remembering his episodes at the beginning of his reunion and rescue from the chains of the Mint Eye, he felt a pit in his stomach. “Keep an eye on her behavior.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeyoung bit his lip and glanced back at your arms. As much as he hated to confront it, it was clear that those were self-inflicted. When did the pain start? No, he knew that it had been going on for as long as he knew you, but when did the psychological pain manifest into physical? The possibilities were smarting, and the more he thought about it, the sicker he felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not saying that’s exactly what’s going to happen,” Saeran seemed to read his mind, “But… just keep an eye on her. Just in case.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you something?” Saeyoung didn’t redirect from you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve barely talked to her. Why do you want to come with me to the hospital to visit her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeran twisted his mouth in thought. He ended up shrugging after a few seconds, “I get bored at the house by myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s lying, but Saeyoung doesn’t pry. He silently prayed that his twin didn’t feel the same way toward you that he did. He still felt guilty that his emotions were surfacing when you had just been attacked by your boyfriend (hopefully ex-boyfriend if you were sane). You clearly weren’t anywhere near ready to be in another relationship.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You’ve barely talked to her. Why do you want to come with me to the hospital to visit her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s really not the time to get into it. Not yet at least. “I get bored at the house by myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He really needed a friend. Not someone conditioned to like him like family, but he wanted the satisfaction of earning that trust naturally. He didn’t know if this was selfish, but you were the kindest and most understanding in the RFA to him, and he wanted to be your friend. He wanted you to see him as someone to lean on if needed. He admired the radiance of light from you, he was intrigued by your personality you showed upfront, he wanted to know more. He wanted to be and have a friend, something he never really had growing up. So, he figured if he showed up at the hospital to visit you, you would view him as someone who cares, because he does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s why Taeho’s refusal to admit his actions made Saeran feel an infernal rage. You were one of the brightest people he had met, the other being his own brother, and that was even while he had been abusing you. Saeran didn’t know you in a time when you were truly happy with Taeho, but you managed to put on such a mask that he wasn’t able to see through. If you were that vivacious while dealing with something so horrid behind closed doors, how happy had you been without burden? Saeran felt that since you made him feel a bit lighter, you deserved the same. And Taeho was stopping that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking at your sleeping figure made him hurt. He hadn’t felt sympathetic toward another person in a long time, but he just wanted to stop your pain. You stopped his, after all, and while he would never admit it, he almost felt a form of platonic love for you. He felt his chest tighten in anger, but he tried to push it aside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned his head back to the window to watch the delicate snowflakes fall from the sky to the ground and stick to the window. The tiny yet complex shapes were astonishingly lovely and outstanding to him, that something so small and miniscule could hold so much intricacy. Looking at the clouds, and in turn, the weather, reminded Saeran of the moments he went outside as a child. Such innocence that he wished he still had. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How much longer can she sleep?” Saeran asked, wandering over to the side of the bed that his brother wasn’t on. He crouched down and rested his forearms on the edge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want her to wake up?” Saeyoung smirked, and Saeran shot him an annoyed glare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You like her…?” Saeran could see a hint of sorrow in his eyes. He shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not like that. She’s been sleeping for a while.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She missed out on six hours of sleep. Wonder what made her stay up for so long.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably thinking. I can only imagine what’s going on in her head. How long was she being hurt by that piece of shit? I’m worried about her mental state after all of that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wonder if there’s going to be a trial. Surely he deserves prison time for attempted </span>
  <em>
    <span>murder</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’d better be or I’m rioting. He needs to be locked up for life for he did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeran saw out of the corner of his eye your eyes fluttering open. You breathed deeply and rubbed your face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning.” Saeyoung playfully jabbed. Your eyes landed on Saeran next to your bed, confused; this was the first time you saw him this close to your bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello.” He said with a straight face. He was oblivious to your confusion, and it made you chuckle, your throat straining. “Oh, weren’t you supposed to get the tube taken out today?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, I’ll get a nurse and tell them you’re awake.” Saeyoung stood up and quickly left the room, leaving just you and Saeran.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” His voice fell deep and serious, and you saw his mint eyes flicker to your arms momentarily. You quickly picked up that he was talking about your mental state. There’s no point in hiding it; he went through the same thing when he was adapting to living with Saeyoung, and while you didn’t know each other’s exact situations and thoughts, he could clearly recognise the dangerous thoughts that he once had in another person. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You shook your head in honesty, and Saeran flinched subtly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know how much Saeyoung cares for you, and I can tell… you’re a nice person. We’re here.” He avoided eye contact. This was out of his character; he always seemed to put up a cold exterior and was hesitant to talk to others, but he was open to expressing his concern now. But that didn’t mean the sudden warmth was unwelcome, quite the opposite. He was recovering enough to be willing to help pull you out of your hole of self-hatred and misery Taeho had dug for you.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The act of breathing manually was trippy. You had forgotten what it was like, and your slight struggle to adapt was funny to the three of you. Your throat was still scratchy and dry, much to your discomfort, and swallowing the water that was given to you felt awkward. But, it was good practice for what you were now allowed: food! </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Choi?” You heard a doctor enter the doorway. You were confused at first, but then remembered that Saeyoung said that Choi was your last name in order to protect you if someone from Taeho’s family, or, god forbid, Taeho himself, wanted to pay a visit. Sometimes it felt like Saeyoung was more of a boyfriend than Taeho ever was. You looked at the doctor and tilted your head to show that your attention was now trained on him, and another woman you had never seen before was standing behind him, holding a clipboard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good afternoon. So, your condition seems to have stabilized for the most part. You’ve already been told that you can breathe, eat, drink, stuff like that, but before we can discharge you, we still need to test your voice. This is Dr. Park, she is a speech-language pathologist and she’s here to test the quality of your voice and make sure that nothing is wrong. Since you did suffer a major laryngeal injury, it is possible that you might experience conditions or side effects regarding your speech, and we need to test to see if any of that has occurred.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anxiety slowly trickled into your mind and filled your being, causing your hands to tremble. You weakly sat up and nodded, keeping your eyes on Dr. Park, since the other one had left you in her care. The fear of possible conditions stemming from the abuse was all too similar to the same dread you felt while the degrading words were being thrown at you and crowding your mind, becoming the only thing you could think about, and the situations seemed to blend together. You tried to compose yourself, though; the quicker you got this done, the quicker you would be able to relax and begin to get out of the building that seemed to chip away at your soul with every passing moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi! I’m Dr. Park, and as the doctor said, I’m here to assess your voice and see how well you’re doing. Are these two related to you?” She pointed back at the twins, standing on the other side of the bed with their backs to the window. Not wanting the ones who bring you comfort to have to be forced to leave, you nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, is it okay if we get started with the test now? It shouldn’t take very long.” Her voice was upbeat and chirpy, and it was clear she was being quite kind to try to make you feel as comfortable as possible. You bit your cheek and looked back at Saeyoung, who flashed you a smile. Saeran was leaning on the windowsill with his arms crossed, and he gave one nod as if to tell you it was okay. But was it okay? You nodded at her anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright!” She positioned her clipboard on her folded knee and prepared a pen to begin writing. Assessment. Were there right or wrong answers? Quite nerve wracking to put it mildly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She positioned herself closer to you, about a couple feet away from you. “Okay, can you count to three for me? Please speak as clearly as possible.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You shakily inhaled, trying to ignore the sandpaper feeling, and opened your mouth to say “One.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But… no matter how hard you tried, you could only muster a strained whisper that left you feeling inept. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No, no, no… Please no… </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You eventually gave up on trying to focus on the first word, and finished counting to three, barely audible and drawn. Dr. Park wrote down a few things on her clipboard that you couldn’t see, and stepped back a couple feet. “Can you count again for me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No matter the effort given, your lack of voice grew more and more apparent. This humiliating pattern of the doctor asking for your cooperation, your ineptitude to do so, and the marking pen on paper continued for a few more rounds, and when she dismissed herself, your shoulders sunk. You had genuinely tried, but it was clear what once was your voice was nothing but a jarring reminder of what happened. While there may have been a slim chance of repressing the memories, it was now out of reach. A piece of trauma was still clinging to you, and even when the results hadn’t been told, you--and the twins--knew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You turned back to face them and saw their identical faces displaying similar, yet at the same time divergent, impressions. Saeyoung’s head hung in distress and guilt, his glasses blocking his red locks of hair from going into his eyes. Simultaneously, Saeran’s face told a different story, one of intense indignation that made you shiver. He glanced at you and saw how you cowered, and he immediately felt sorrow. He clearly didn’t mean to upset you with his anger that replicated Taeho’s, and while you knew he wouldn’t strike you, the instincts still stuck. Saeran was the first to speak.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’ll pay.” Referencing your assailant. Next to him, Saeyoung nodded his head and bit his lip. While the tears threatened to spill, you swallowed a sob, trying desperately to ignore the hole left.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Aphonia.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You felt you had turned into a jigsaw long ago, and all this time, you were being taken apart and the pieces you once knew were discarded and left behind, and this was another scrap thrown away. Because of </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you felt lonely despite the members who wouldn’t abandon you; unsafe despite the protection of the twins; hopeless despite the opportunities they were presenting to you; unloved, despite… </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s in my head. It’s only in my head. No hope. No love. Isn’t it fake? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If the love he proclaimed had rotted to feelings of wrath,  the need for control, borderline megalomania he was projecting onto you…  He forced you to turn back on your family. Your loved ones, the ones you looked up to so dearly, he threatened you and hung the threat of harm above your head until you complied and lied, lied that you hated them and you wanted nothing to do with them. They’d never accept you now, right?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Legal shit is such a pain in the ass to deal with.” Saeran cursed and rubbed his temples. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Surely with Jumin’s generosity and money, we can get some good lawyers on our side for when the trial takes place. Make sure that ass gets what he deserves.” Saeyoung nodded. He was busy looking down at a clipboard of paperwork to discharge you from the hospital, which should happen later this evening.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This isn’t fun. I don’t even know how to deal with any of this, Hyung. You think I went to school? I never got to go to a proper school!” Saeran laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sorry.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Guilt wrapped around your head and tightened its grip around you, giving you a headache. You had strong thoughts that wouldn’t stop flying around in your mind, that refused to stop pestering you. You couldn’t stop blaming yourself. The downward spiral was again starting and there was nothing you could really do other than just let it take its course.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If I hadn’t stayed, you wouldn’t be busy. You wouldn’t be burdened with the stress if I had left the relationship. Why didn’t I?</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>(If you are sensitive to negative, depressing, or suicidal thoughts, or self-harm, and you are vulnerable to falling into a bad state upon viewing these, please do not read. The next few chapters of this story will heavily feature these topics. Please stay safe my loves.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your arm and hand were still sore from where the IVs had been all those days. They didn’t even do you a favor and provide you with proper bandages; just a cotton ball secured with medical tape. The medical staff had offered to admit you to the psych ward, in reference to your injuries on your arms, but Saeyoung acted as your voice and declined for you, opting instead for a simple EMDR therapist. You didn’t even know how it would work, as you couldn’t talk, which was the whole point of therapy as far as you knew. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What does EMDR even </span>
  </em>
  <span>stand </span>
  <em>
    <span>for? Sounds weird.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They’re surely not suggesting I stay with them?!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Upon pulling into Saeyoung and Saeran’s garage, ignominy muddled your mind and you felt shameful, feeling that you were practically forcing them to take on your burden. You felt that you were forcing them to take you in out of pity that you had nowhere else to go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve ordered a bunch of stuff to fill a bedroom for you, there’s already a bed.” Saeyoung smiled as he got out of the car. You had to rely on them to lead you to the door inside the house, as, while you knew the old bunker enough to get around by yourself, the twins had moved to a new bunker that had three bedrooms, and while Saeyoung was planning on using one as an office, he seemingly cleared it out for you. He wanted to use it for something useful, and yet he was using it for you…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your shoulders fell light and it felt like you weren’t fully in control of your body, like you lost the ability to feel anything around you, and you were trapped in your head, oddly silent. You were so detached from your mind that you couldn’t even hear your own thoughts, normally screaming unrelenting expletives and insults at your every action. You couldn’t decide if this felt better or worse, to be free of the intrusive images and words at the cost of feeling no physical sensations in your body, or even emotions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You followed Saeyoung into the house, and while you could see your surroundings, you didn’t recognise the furniture, the decorations, the whole compound of what tied the rooms together. They simply flashed in front of your eyes and then turned grey and disintegrated the second you looked away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at me.” You just now registered that Saeyoung was staring at your lethargic eyes and tired face, obviously picking up that something was wrong. You looked at him, finding it hard to even adjust your head to look up at his face. “Are you doing okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your lips parted in instinct to reply, until you remembered that all attempts at vocalisation would be futile. You sighed in defeat and dropped your head.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, Saeyoung. I’m not.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The hug that he pulled you into only left you feeling empty. Wasting his energy on someone who’s manipulated him to take pity on them. You were only using him for his kindness; surely, in your eyes, you offered nothing in terms of value. No job, no possible financial contribution, it’ll be take, take, take. What is the point of them keeping you around? It’d surely be better to just leave you behind. There was reason you were treated the way you were by Taeho: you were told that you were nothing but an object being kept around for sex, and to be able to brag to his friends “Look, I have a girlfriend.” What reason did the Chois have? They’re too nice to use you the way that he did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeyoung broke away from you and took your hand to guide you to the room you’d be staying. You did nothing other than follow him and let him take you to the place he provided to you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry it’s so empty, but it’ll be decorated soon if you want to stay here. Just let me know if you want anything, I’ll get it for you.” Saeyoung opened the door to a bland room, only consisting of a full size bed and a wooden bedside table with a small drawer. The light tan walls with nothing covering them and the curtainless window only solidified the drab feeling, but you felt it was what you deserved. You would be using them for their kindness otherwise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s getting pretty late, are you hungry?” Saeyoung inquired. You did feel a bit peckish, and you wouldn’t have brought it up, but you felt a little bit more comfortable since he was the one who mentioned it. You nodded and felt your hand become cold as he took it away and turned to walk out of the room. “You’re welcome to explore the house.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Left alone again. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Pity. They saw what a pathological liar I could be, surely they don’t like me the way they did before. They’ll never trust me in the same way. Saeran was right, secrets don’t help anyone. Surely they only feel sorry for me, that I’d chosen to isolate myself from my family and former friends and I have nowhere else to go. They pity me, they saw the self-harm; they know what I would do to myself if prompted. They feel bad. That’s the only reason they’re keeping someone like me around, I have nothing to offer. I’m worthless, I’m manipulative, I’ve done nothing other than offer heaps of stress. Things wouldn’t be like this if I wasn’t around. They’re only tolerating me. No, no. I’m not worth anything. I shouldn’t take the food. I shouldn’t take their oxygen. I shouldn’t take their room, I don’t deserve this. It’s pity. It’s all fucking pity.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>You wiped your wet face and shook your head. Nothing, absolutely nothing could be done, surely. You’d been morphed into someone else. Someone who doesn’t offer anything anymore. Your very being had been whittled away over the months to sit and obey, and the moment you were caught rebelling, you paid the price. Keep the head down, follow the orders, stay silent, don’t take what’s not yours… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Is this independent, automatic thinking simply a defense mechanism? To avoid being told again and again, to avoid being told that you were stubborn and unlikeable, maybe you thought those things yourself to keep from provoking? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You don’t even have a voice to scream your insecurities, thoughts, internal fights you had with yourself. The lack of voice is strangulation itself, only to your mind; not only keeping you from speaking, but keeping you writhing in psychological pain and torment, skinning you of your abilities to think anything remotely positive about yourself again. Expressions of pain can only be told in the silent sobs, and… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The razor along your skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps the traces of agony would leak out with every drop of blood, and maybe if you bled enough, you could completely purge yourself of the unwelcome thoughts. The satisfaction and confidence would wax, only with the waning of the blood. Or at least, the stings could ground you. Make sure you don’t become numb again to the outside world, or give you a sense of control. While you couldn’t control your mind, and the forever looping taunts buried in Taeho’s past drunken slurs, you could take control over this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, where to get a blade…?</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You still haven’t told me where you learned to cook.” Saeyoung leaned with his back against the counter, while Saeran absentmindedly minced garlic for the sauce in the dish he and his brother agreed on. He huffed and shook his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I probably won’t. It actually feels nice to be able to do something that you can’t.” He bit. After mincing a tablespoon of garlic, he tossed it in the bowl with the rest of the ingredients and pulled out something that alarmed Saeyoung.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whoa, mirin? You know I don’t drink.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeran rolled his eyes as he measured the required amount. “It’s only two tablespoons, we’re all old enough to drink, it’s for flavor, shut the hell up and let me do what I need to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He continued to mix a few ingredients to create a sauce for the food, and then added it to another larger pan with tofu, sausage, mushrooms, and a few other ingredients Saeyoung didn’t really care to pay attention to. “Seriously, how the hell…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeran was getting annoyed with the prodding about his skill. He practiced cooking a lot at Magenta, it was a peaceful way to spend some time to himself. His savior and other believers often praised him, and that only encouraged him. Budae jjigae was one of his favorite meals to make, in fact.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because he learned how to cook at Magenta, he was a bit ashamed about it and didn’t want to get into detail. That didn’t stop him from doing something he liked, though. “If you don’t shut up, I won’t feed you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So snappy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because of you. Piss off.” He turned on the heat after covering the pot and set a timer on his phone for eight minutes. “What is she up to?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, probably wandering around. I told her she’s free to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t you have a bunch of shit you’re insistent to hide in your room? What if she goes in and finds it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You think I don’t keep my bedroom locked?” Saeyoung retorted. Saeran shrugged and began to walk out of the kitchen. “Aren’t you cooking? Where are you going?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Idiot,” he shook his head, “It’s boiling right now. As long as you don’t mess with it, it’ll be fine.” He left the kitchen, leaving Saeyoung alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung had wanted to surprise you with the decorations when they came in. He began to walk to your room, which he expected to be empty, in order to see if everything would fit cozily: the dresser, laundry basket, TV, desk for a computer, even a few posters and fairy lights. He wanted to make you feel as comfortable as possible, and give you a safe place that you probably didn’t have while living with Taeho.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even though he expected the room to be void of life, he still knocked on the closed door just in case. He heard shuffling inside and figured that you would open the door yourself, perhaps you were resting on the bed and on your phone. He heard the bedside drawer slam shut, which concerned him a little bit, but hey, everyone has the things they want to keep private.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door creaked open slowly, and you appeared to be hiding halfway behind it. Saeyoung smiled to try to comfort you, as he didn’t know what you went through with Taeho. He understood that you were possibly instinctively scared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You gently waved to him, but your facial expression remained the same. Lidded eyes, relaxed mouth; you looked tired. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Saeran’s making dinner. I just wanted to come in and make sure everything I ordered would fit in here, I didn’t expect you to still be in here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You nodded and dropped your arm from the doorknob. It drew Saeyoung’s attention to your hand, and--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was something seeping through your tan sweater sleeve. Something deep red.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your eyes widened when you realised what he was looking at, and in an apparent attempt to hide it, you brought your arm close to your stomach to try to pretend you were hungry. You didn’t fool him, though. He looked up into your panicked eyes and steadily breathed in nervously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you show me your arm?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You bit your lip anxiously and stepped back. Saeyoung could see your face contort into a soft expression, yet painted in pain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to help. Please let me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a moment, you looked down, squeezed your eyes shut, and shoved your arm in his direction. He took your hand in his, and with the other, he hesitantly rolled up your soaked sleeve, revealing countless fresh, bleeding wounds, placed in erratic, non-planned patterns. None of them were deep, but blood still trickled out and dripped down your arm, some drops falling and landing on the hardwood floor. Saeyoung looked up at your face, seeing how you still weren’t crying. How? Without question, this had to be painful, either the superficial cuts leaking blood, or the feeling of being found out, but how were you still so calm?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on.” Saeyoung tugged your hand closer to him, and to his surprise, you didn’t fight, but still kept your head hung low. He guided you to the bathroom, and that’s when he saw it: a disposable razor, torn open, and no blades to be found. He felt sick, but he tried to focus on the needed task. He let go of your hand to rummage through a few drawers, eventually finding the first aid kit. He placed it on the counter and looked at you while unlatching the case. You still stubbornly refused to even shoot a glance in his direction, and Saeyoung frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is going to hurt like a bitch,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>not that the cuts didn’t, </span>
  </em>
  <span>“but I need to clean them.” He tore open a packet holding a moist hydrogen-peroxide wipe, grabbed your hand again, and gently ran the wipe over your blood-covered arm. The solution fizzed on your skin as it interacted with the bacteria, and his heart ached seeing you flinch and try to pull your arm away. He lightly blew on the injuries, trying to soothe the pain, and you panted and looked at his feet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He continued to wipe your arm clean, rub more antiseptic on it, and wrap it gently in gauze. When he secured it and let go of your hand, you let your limb drop to your side. Without thinking, he stepped closer to you and drew you into a gentle hug, but you simply kept your arms to your sides.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t want you to hurt. He never wanted to get angry at you, in fear of triggering you the way your ex-boyfriend did, and he hoped that you didn’t think that he held any negative emotions directed toward you. Hopefully, this act of holding you proved that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few rooms away, he heard Saeran’s timer go off, indicating that the eight minutes were up. Quick footsteps jogged in the direction of the kitchen, and Saeyoung wanted you to get some food. He pulled away and tried to look into your eyes, but they were still downcast.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The food should be ready here in a few minutes, do you want to eat with us?” He offered. You nodded so lightly that Saeyoung almost missed it, and he guided you out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, where Saeran was throwing a few more ingredients into the pot. When his eyes landed on you, he smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, hungry?” He happily asked. Saeyoung huffed playfully, as Saeran had been bitter toward him but he’s soft toward you. He was happy, though, that he was becoming more joyous. You nodded and walked closer to the counter. Saeyoung saw his brother’s eyes sweep over the gauze bandage wrapped around your arm, and the still rolled up sleeve, and he seemed concerned, but shook it away and tried not to make a deal of it. “It’ll still be a couple minutes before the noodles are boiled and it’s ready to be served, but I hope you like it when it’s done.” He offered a warm grin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung figured that since you were with Saeran, he could slip away and get rid of the blades. When he got to your room, he recalled that he heard the drawer slam, so he ripped it open and saw them: the four small blades, one of which coated in half-dry blood. He swiftly picked them up and disposed of them in the trash can in his room, to keep you from taking them back. However mad you might be at him for taking away what might have calmed you, he only wanted to protect you from yourself.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was a shameful thing, right? Wasn’t it the norm to be beat down and ridiculed because it’s not a usual behavior? To go out of your way to mutilate your body… You were only embarrassed the last time you were exposed. Why is Saeyoung so caring? He didn’t degrade you at all like you were expecting. As you stood next to his brother, you couldn’t stop thinking about how he proved, yet again, that what you had told yourself time and time again was false. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The smell of the stew that Saeran was stirring was making your stomach stab with hunger. He grabbed three bowls from the cabinet above you and gave one to you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can take as much as you want, there’s plenty here.” He let you take the ladle. Regardless of his words, you only scooped one ladle of stew before giving it back to Saeran. He flashed a brief look of confusion, but decided not to question you, which you were thankful for. You felt most comfortable following the rules you had lived with for 9 months, simply because you feared that you would provoke an adverse reaction if you got greedy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You took the bowl in both hands and turned around, only to see that Saeyoung had disappeared from his previous position. Out of curiosity, you peered around the corner into the living room, only to see him coming back up from the stairs to the basement. The house layout was unlike you had ever seen, and you could already tell it would take a few days to get an idea of where things were. Saeyoung saw you with the bowl, and smiled, but upon getting closer and seeing that it was barely filled, he furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head in stupefaction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you hungry? Is that going to be enough for you?” His words were laced with heavy worry. You shrugged and set your bowl down on what you assumed to be the dining room table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After the twins got their share of stew, they settled down as well, Saeran to your right and Saeyoung across from you. While they began to eat nearly immediately, you had been trained to believe that you had to get permission to eat, and the subconscious habit wouldn’t shed that quickly. You stared down at your bowl while the hunger pangs relentlessly attacked. Saeyoung looked up, mouth half-full, and shot you a questioning look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you hungry?” He covered his mouth. You looked at him, trying to hide your desperate internal pleas, and nodded. “Why don’t you eat?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you like something else?” Saeran questioned as he stirred. The shame and embarrassment caught up with you, and with every passing second, you found it perpetually harder to bite back the tears of indignity. This stupid routine you were stuck with for months, it was dreadful, and your thoughts when you were reminded of it were cumbersome and otherwise indescribable.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just tell me I can eat… Just…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh…” Saeyoung whispered, evidently to himself. “We’re not- you can do what you want. You’re your own person.” Even while you were still staring down at your steaming bowl, you knew that he was looking at you with a comforting expression, trying to assure and convince you that what he was saying was true.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt unnatural to eat without command, but at your own will. You tentatively took a bite into your mouth, instantly astonished at the taste. The sausage, cheese, noodles, and mushrooms mixed together to create a heavenly taste that you didn’t even know was possible. You found yourself turning your head and staring at Saeran, wondering how one person could create restaurant-quality food. How much practice had he gotten? He sensed you staring at him, and he looked up, chuckling upon reading your face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you like it?” He asked, his voice clinging to a bit of optimism. It would be mendacious to indicate anything other than “absolutely,” so you nodded quickly to do so. You could see the flattered emotions deep in his aqua eyes come to surface.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After clarifying that everybody was done eating, Saeyoung stood up and began to pack away the leftovers while Saeran started to clean the used dishes, while you were left alone, staring down at your lap, thinking again about what was said earlier. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re your own person.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>No, that’s not… true. Forced to rely on another for so long that the will to act on your own has been ripped away. You only operate when someone is there to input the commands. The only thing you can really do on your own is act out and hurt yourself. Rebelling almost got your physical being killed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, though your body survived the attack, it simply turned into nothing more than a mere shell that your soul had escaped. You were a husk, hollow and barren, devoid of worth at this point. He may have failed at taking your life, but he easily robbed you of what made you human.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An endless cycle. That’s all your mind seemed to host now. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m manipulative and coaxing them into caring for me when they could easily leave me and make their lives easier. I’m dragging them down.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m such a bad person. I don’t deserve them. I’m just using them for their resources.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I getting upset about this? I always blow things out of proportion. I always make it about me. This isn’t about me. They’re not thinking about me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m only getting worse over things I made up. I’m such a dramatic person. I’m not worth the trouble. They don’t really like me, they can’t. I’m only manipulating them into doing so…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Over. And over. And over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unrelenting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wouldn’t it be logical that as soon as you leave an unhealthy, abusive relationship, it would put you in a </span>
  <em>
    <span>better </span>
  </em>
  <span>mental state? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the twins sat on the couch, watching TV (though it was acting more as background noise), Saeran’s mind ended up drifting and eventually landed on you, and he recalled the gauze on your arm. Worry pestered him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened with her earlier…?” Saeran asked reluctantly, unsure if he really wanted to know the answer. Saeyoung twisted his mouth in thought while trying to figure out how to word what he needed to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She ended up finding a razor and she hurt herself pretty badly.” Blunt. Was that the right way to go? Too late now. Saeran looked to his side and crossed his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep them in your room.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I planned on it. You saw her go into her room, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, she looked pretty tired and her light shut off. When is the stuff supposed to get here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sure, couple days at most.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I help you set everything up?” Saeran’s voice lifted, causing his brother’s mind to fill with questions. He would have inquired anyway, but his tone only piled on more suspicion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” More words could be stated, but Saeyoung couldn’t reach them. Saeran sighed and rubbed his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Idiot.” He mumbled to himself. “Is it so bad to want to help? She’s going to be living with us, at least for now, so… what’s the harm in being nice?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The expression hit Saeyoung like a train. What had caused such a change? Saeran was still apprehensive and occasionally cold toward him, but suddenly he’s openly trying to befriend you. The being of anxiety on his shoulder began to trouble him, and his mind uncontrollably wandered to thoughts that weren’t exactly reasonable, but still troubling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I tell you something?” Perhaps opening up to him would encourage him to do the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You like her?” Saeran looked into his brother’s eyes. How was his brother able to see deep into his soul and dig out the answers he tried desperately to lock away until this point?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s like you said when we were kids…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re me, and I’m you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...I know what you’re thinking. I don’t know what it is, I just do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa… You can’t tell her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t plan to. And I just want a friend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve never told me-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said it to get you to shut up. Let it go.” Saeran shook his head and looked back down at his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeyoung’s questions and worries were sated, and the relief was tremendous, though it refused to kill the stubborn guilt that still hung over his head, the guilt of his selfish feelings surfacing at the worst time. Try as he might, he couldn’t control it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later. Much later. At your will, when you are ready. If it takes a month, year, or decade, he’ll still be there for you. He’ll still be open.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You didn’t know what to think about the waiting room you were in. A few plush chairs lining the tan walls, a coffee table so cluttered with magazines that you couldn’t the color of the tabletop, a fish tank displaying all sorts of fish, not too much to crowd but definitely a wide variety, and that’s only visual. There was also a faint smell of coffee, likely stemming from the coffee machine on a counter on a further wall, and the sound of beach waves, from where unknown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were sitting tenaciously in a chair close to the fish tank, and Saeran was in the one closest, mesmerized by the creatures swimming around. Saeyoung sat on your other side, talking with someone in the chatroom. You contemplated joining, but ultimately pushed the thought out of your mind. It was almost seven in the evening, which meant that the appointment should start any minute. You would have to exit soon anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You heard your name called, and you looked up to see a woman, who looked a few years older than Jumin at the oldest, with long black hair and shining green eyes. You stared, frozen in fear, until Saeyoung’s finger tapping on your knee snapped you out of it. You stood up, trying your best to ignore the shaky feeling in your legs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello! My name is Minjee, I’ll be your therapist.” She extended her hand for you to shake. You had to work up the courage to reciprocate, and even when you did, a sick feeling claimed your body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the appointment was a blur, but you let Saeyoung into the room with you to be your voice. He had to explain what happened to you, what you went through, why you’re unable to talk, and… your relapsed habit. You didn’t want to give Minjee so much information, but it was supposed to help. You’ve never been in therapy, so you didn’t know just how much she had to know, but it was too late to turn back now. The issue of confidentiality was brought up multiple times, since she was concerned Saeyoung would have to witness everything and not allow you to have a sense of privacy and security. It didn’t make sense, considering you would be sharing your personal life with her, but you had to shrug it off. It would be decided next time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How exactly is this supposed to help?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>You typed in the chatroom that Saeran was in. You figured you could talk to him while Saeyoung drove the car (he wouldn’t tell you or Saeran where). The sun beginning to retreat behind the horizon kept beaming daggers into your eyes, and you eventually gave up on trying to squint and opted for slumping down in the backseat. Your back laid on the section that you would sit on, and it pained your neck to hold this position, but every time Saeyoung glanced back at you, he laughed, and you found it equally funny.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’ll be a good way to get things off of your chest, idk what the emdr is supposed to do though.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Saeran replied. He could have spoken his answers out loud, but he didn’t want you to feel weird or abnormal. It helped you briefly forget that you lacked an important ability, something you were already insecure about.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How am I even going to talk? It’s not like Saeyoung can read my mind and speak for me all the time.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’ll figure something out.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We haven’t gone grocery shopping in a week!” was Saeyoung’s excuse to go to the supermarket, and neither of you argued with him. Saeran shrugged and figured that he could get a few things he wants for himself, and you just let it happen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the three of you had walked through the entrance, Saeyoung immediately stode to get a cart while Saeran went off on his own down an aisle, eventually turning out of your view. Leaving you alone for a brief moment, but the former twin was again by your side within a minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a proposition for you.” He gripped the handle of the large cart. You looked into his eyes, twinkling with roguery that caused you to stand stiff in apprehension. You saw a smirk creep onto his face. “Do you trust me?” His words were infused with a devilish tone that made your hair stand on end, but seeing as you knew he wouldn’t hurt you, you slowly nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before you had time to move away, Saeyoung’s arms were gone from his sides, and his hands were around your waist, hoisting you up off of the ground. You yelped silently and wriggled in his grasp, and he had set you down in the cart as quickly as he picked you up. You had to blink a few times and look around to fully soak in the situation, as it happened too rapidly for you to comprehend his actions whilst it happened. The cart started to rush forward, and you decided to accept your fate as a grocery. He snickered quietly, infecting you with laughter as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“First stop: Ph.D Pepper. I’m running low.” He declared in characteristically dramatic fashion. Things were peaceful for a few moments, until he guided you to the first turn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Déjà vu!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You felt the cart shake when he placed his foot on the bottom section and pushed off the ground with the other, now treating the cart like a scooter. The speed scared you and caused you to grip the sides, but the mystery of what he was planning to pull off caused more fear to snake down your spine. The next thing you knew, you were being propelled sideways as the madlad drifted around the corner at full speed, and you would have screamed at him to stop because it felt like you would have toppled over at any moment. Ultimately, after a second that felt like an hour, you settled and the chaos ceased.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What was that?! </span>
  </em>
  <span>You twisted your torso around to glare at him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Who do you think you are?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sick drifts.” He tried to keep a straight face, but it was futile as he rapidly dissolved into hushed chuckles. You shook your head, trying and failing to contain a smile. His devilry always made you feel giddy, it was one of your favorite things about him. He’s so good at influencing you, lifting you up. You wanted him to joke around all the time; even though Minjee had said you were showing strong signs of depression, and that would mean that it wouldn’t just go away like a normal storm cloud, Saeyoung could bring a gleam of sunshine to make it less difficult.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You lost count of all of the drifts Saeyoung pulled off because your body was more focused on staying alive during his shenanigans. Neither of you knew where Saeran went, so after you got ingredients for future meals (and shameless junk food), you set off to find Saeyoung’s brother. The both of you were blissfully unaware of the confused glances at the absurd behavior you were displaying, a couple young adults racing between aisles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once you stumbled upon Saeran, he was carrying a couple pints of ice cream, browsing the sweets section, and when he saw you barreling toward him in a racing cart, he simply shot a burning annoyed stare at his brother and a lighter look of bafflement to you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell?” He had to step out of the way as Saeyoung pulled the cart to a stop. Saeran placed the ice cream into the cart and it tumbled off of other items, into your leg, making you pull away in surprise at the sudden cold chill.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go check out!” He declared, pushing off yet again to the registers. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When am I going to be let out of the cart…? </span>
  </em>
  <span>You thought in slight glee. The cashier shot you a concerned look, but you didn’t really care in the moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When you left the store, still in the cart, the night sky was cloudy, but the white snowflakes mimicked the stars. You looked up at Saeyoung and saw that his hair was dotted with snow that landed delicately on his beautiful cadmium red locks. You wanted to reach up and brush them off, but eventually decided against it. He somehow didn’t notice you staring up at him in awe, wondering how he could be so… pretty.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was snowing heavily when Saeyoung pulled into the garage, and even when you got out of the car, the chill wrapped around around you and encompassed your warm skin, sending sharp, numbing sensations through you. Goosebumps immediately rose and you shivered, following Saeran into the house as Saeyoung gathered the grocery bags in his hands. </p><p>“You tired?” Saeran walked further into the living room and fell onto the leather couch facing the TV. You shook your head and sat on the other side, hesitant to relax like him.</p><p>“I’m gonna watch something. Let me know if you have suggestions.” He stated while reaching for the remote on the table next to the sofa on his right. His hand bumped a water bottle that seemed to stay on the surface and nearly knocked it over. You shrugged and leaned back, shocked at how comfy it was compared to the couch at your home… </p><p>...Old home.</p><p>Homeless? No, you were living with the Chois. You weren’t paying rent, though. Manipulation, wasn’t it? <em> Hey, look at how bad I’m doing, help me! You can’t leave me, because I’ll go back to suffering! </em>They’re not getting anything in return by providing a roof over your head. Using them, that’s all. </p><p>Saeyoung entered the room, but instead of joining the two of you on the couch, he turned and headed into the kitchen with the groceries.</p><p>
  <em> Need to make myself useful if I want to stay. </em>
</p><p>You propelled yourself off of the couch, startling Saeran, and bounced into the kitchen, nearly running into Saeyoung placing the bags on the island. You skidded to a stop, shocking him, who looked at you with utter confusion.</p><p>“Yes…?” He chuckled. Without words to help, you simply had to just start putting things away and hope that he got the hint about you wanting to assist.</p><p>You reached into a bag and pulled out a pint of “My Brother Is An Alien” ice cream, which you knew was Saeran’s favorite. You could see why: milk, dark, and white chocolate ice cream with sweet chocolate balls. You tread to the freezer and put it on an open shelf before turning back to Saeyoung with hope that he was looking at you. </p><p>
  <em> Please. I’m being useful. </em>
</p><p>“Oh, you don’t need to help, I got it. Thanks though,” he continued to put things away in the cabinets.</p><p>
  <em> No, I need to if I want to stay. I don’t want to be useless. I can't be useless. </em>
</p><p>You took another pint, mint chocolate chip, and stacked it on the first. Saeyoung’s questioning stare could have burned a hole in your head.</p><p>“You’re free to do what you want, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re being forced…” Dismal words found their way to you and caused a stabbing feeling in your chest. Your hands clasped and dropped to your front in shame and indecisiveness. Leave the room and make yourself useless and prepare for the scolding and beating, or continue and possibly provoke Saeyoung, causing him to yell at you and bring you back to your past. </p><p>The internal battle was blaring and debilitating in your psyche, causing you to lose sight of your surroundings. Anxiety gripped your heart but you found yourself frozen in place. Unable to move your arms, legs, head, even your eyes to look around. You were stuck still, staring at the island counter, unblinking, and to an outsider a statue. Even though you could hear Saeyoung’s smooth voice speaking your name, and you saw him from your peripherals stepping closer to you, you couldn’t find it in yourself to change your position.</p><p>“Come on,” He placed his hand on your shoulder, “can you follow me?”</p><p>Your body was a machine, and the “command” you received from Saeyoung enabled you to stir and proceed to trail Saeyoung back into the living room where Saeran was still flipping through channels. His head turned to look up at you, and your radiating distress spread to him, making him feel fervently alarmed. Saeyoung sat you down next to Saeran, and he tried to ease your affliction by taking a blanket from a further chair and placing it on your lap.</p><p>“It doesn’t seem like it, but this might be panic,” Saeran said when his brother went back into the kitchen to finish putting groceries away. He grabbed his water bottle and handed it to you. “Drink.”</p><p>It felt like you were almost viewing your body autonomously shifting on its own while you witnessed the actions without input. Even the feeling of the lukewarm water hitting your mouth and propelling down your throat didn’t feel real.</p><p>“Do you know what caused this?” He asked when you emptied the bottle and handed it back to him, and your body once again froze completely rendering a potential response pointless. </p><p>Saeyoung entered the room again and sat down on the other side of you and tried to get your attention and bring you back to full consciousness. It was almost funny in a way; he didn’t know, but you were fully aware of his presence and could hear him talking and see him moving, but your body remained too rigid to signal so.</p><p>“Please, I don’t want you lost in your thoughts.” Saeyoung seemed to think that you were caught thinking, when in reality you were lucid in your mind, yet disconnected from your body. The personal conflict earlier had seemed to split you and it would take an indescribable amount of time to amend. </p><p> </p><p>Dissociation is apparently a common symptom of MDD or PTSD, according to Minjee. Saeyoung was concerned and contacted her, describing your behavior, and she attempted to understand and help as much as she could over an email. </p><p>You fell asleep on the couch, sitting up, but he didn’t want you to be uncomfortable or in pain because of strained muscles from holding the upright position.</p><p>Careful not to wake you up, he stood up off of the couch and contemplated giving a decorative pillow from a chair, but because they weren’t very comfortable, he settled on taking the pillow from your room that you had only slept on once. He came back into the room to see Saeran off of the couch, gently trying to push you onto your side.</p><p>“Wait-” Saeyoung whispered and jogged up next to him. He put the pillow on the sofa next to you before allowing Saeran to continue gently lowering you. Saeyoung moved the blanket given to you to cover your full body.</p><p>When you were fully laying on your side, Saeran backed away and began to head to the basement where his bedroom was located. Saeyoung couldn’t bring himself to leave you now knowing that it was possible you had PTSD or depression. He ended up kneeling in front of your sleeping figure and he gently placed his hand on your shoulder, slowly stroking your soft skin with the pad of his thumb.</p><p>“I’m so sorry.” He apologised quietly, more to himself than to you. Before he knew what he was doing, he leaned forward and placed a delicate, loving kiss on your temple with his slightly chapped lips. You must have been a pretty heavy sleeper, or you purposefully stayed frozen to build the illusion of your slumber, because you remained stock still, still breathing at a steady rate.</p><p>He found it hard to sleep in his bed, even though his door was only fifteen feet from you, and his bed thirty. He still wanted to protect you, from what he was unaware of, but the ignorance did nothing to sate his anxiety. He had to force himself to stay still on his mattress to sleep.</p><p>Until he heard quiet, strained mewling from the living room.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (I am extremely sorry, but I am dealing with personal problems so chapters may slow. I won’t stop working on this story, but please, please forgive me if I miss a day or two for the time being. I hope you understand. Thank you for the support, my loves.) </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Saeyoung didn’t even give himself time to put a shirt on, his feet met the floor and scrambled out the door into the living room. The room was darker than it was before, a clear sign that plenty of time had passed. How long was he blankly staring in his bed?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even in the dark, even without his glasses on, he saw your silhouette twitching, squirming, and shaking, and quiet whines escaped your mouth, causing extensive surprise. While awake, you would have to try to shout in order to create these noises, and you would break into a coughing fit if you did because it would create unbearable tension in your throat. You were practically screaming in your sleep, Saeyoung desperately wanted to snap you out of your nightmare. The question is </span>
  <em>
    <span>how </span>
  </em>
  <span>he would do so without scaring you more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Break me out. Help. I’m dying. I can’t breathe. Break me out. Kill me already. I don’t want to suffer. I’m dying. It hurts. He’s going to kill me. Stop. Stop. Please… Stop.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s around every corner, he’s on my ankles as I run and blocking me as I turn. He’s suffocating smoke that won’t leave me alone. I can’t escape. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Please… Someone, help… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Is this hell? Purgatory? Certainly not heaven. I’m dying from the pain in my brain, it won’t let up. It’s silent but my eardrums are bursting. It’s bright but I can’t make out a single object. I’m screaming but can’t make a sound. I’m being killed but I feel immortal, caught in this state for eternity. He’s chained to me, won’t let me go. Help. Please. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The pain in your throat was jarring. The dry, biting air in the room felt like it would freeze your blood, and the blanket only felt like a sheet of ice, doing nothing to fight off the cold. The darkness painting the room stole the vibrant colors of the day, leaving nothing but colorless desolation in its wake. The windows lining the wall would have allowed moonlight to stream in if not for thick blackout curtains. Wherever a trace of light was coming from, it was enough to barely outline a humanoid figure crouched down in front you. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Where am I? </span>
  </em>
  <span>You thought in horror; you didn’t even remember closing your eyes to allow yourself to slip unconscious, yet you were waking up. You drew in a sharp breath, which only stung your throat more. There was a reason you chose not to talk even though you theoretically </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>make noise, and it’s for this exact reason. You coughed and wheezed while trying to scramble away from this person. It could have been Taeho. For all you knew, you could have passed out while being choked and just now woke up, in the same house, because the pitch darkness masked your surroundings and made it impossible to trace anything. It could have all been a dream; the hospital, Saeyoung and Saeran, their house, the therapy appointment, the store trip… It could have all been your imagination that was now fragmented.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You heard stumbling up what you assumed was stairs, and without warning a soft, warm light brightened the room from a lamp on the opposite side. Though you were able to distinguish those who have been housing and helping you, proving your fears false, the recognition of their faces did nothing to extinguish the dizzying panic intoxicating you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was growing thicker by the minute as all your mind could do is cling onto the previous memories, the slideshow of images neverending and the blaring cacophony nothing more than a broken record. Your hands shakily grabbed your hair, trying miserably to keep you in the present moment. You didn’t want to go back to the nightmare, but you felt more and more sick and faint by the moment, getting closer to losing and falling back down. While you had been on the brink of shivering before, you were now far from it, the intense panic provoking an uncomfortable sweat to line your brow. Your hands were pried from your scalp, but stayed instinctively balled into fists, and you found yourself now squeezing Saeyoung’s hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s scary. This won’t last forever,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why is he helping? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Do you need water?” Your dry throat painfully reminded you that yes, you did. In response to your nodding, a firm flick of Saeyoung’s head was enough to get his brother to race into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know the pain you’re in. You’re safe.” You could hear cracking in his voice as he tried not to panic himself, “You’ll get through this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeran came back into the room holding a cup of water. You let go of Saeyoung and reached out, quivering severely, and took the cup from him. When you looked back down at Saeyoung’s hands, you noticed crescent-shaped indents where your fingernails had dug into his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the panic melted away with every breath and sip of icy water that was barely more chilling as the air around you, so too did the memories of the nightmare retreat from you and gave you room to breathe. It was only once your mind was clear that you made eye contact with Saeyoung crouched in front of you, his face about a foot from yours. It was also only then that you realised that he lacked a </span>
  <em>
    <span>shirt. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeran sighed a few feet away. “You good?” You nodded without moving your eyes, feeling your face heat up. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why is </span>
  </em>
  <span>that</span>
  <em>
    <span> happening?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you know to come up?” Saeyoung turned his head behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was doing stuff on my computer and I heard her and your loud stomping.” He didn’t even look at his twin as he walked toward the staircase again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This late?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a conversation for the morning.” He disappeared downstairs as quickly as he came up, leaving the light on, leaving you and Saeyoung. He shifted and sat down to your left on the couch, and an old rippling feeling that you had long forgotten invaded your body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He refused to meet your eyes again. Another shiver snaked down to your fingertips and toes, and you wrapped yourself back up in the blanket that had fallen to the floor in the midst of the attack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was it a nightmare?” He asked quietly, but his voice sought confirmation to his theories, instead of an answer to a seemingly ignorant question. He knew, but was still scared to assume what he thought was fact. Tears that were blocked by the hysteria had caught up with you and burned your eyes. Not that you hadn’t cried in front of him before, but shame still stuck to you and you tried to fight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your twisting face was as good as a verbal response to let him know your answer. He felt a massive wave of sympathy and pulled you against his chest in a motion he had repeated many times before. His bare skin that you were expecting to be warm was surprisingly cool from the chilly room. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Does the heater not work at night?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He was your best friend, why were you feeling so comfortable--yet simultaneously uncomfortable--in his hug? If it’s just because it’s at night, the absence of a shirt, in the recovery of utter dread, wasn’t it shallow or artificial? Weren’t you seeking solidarity in something, and you could pin it on Saeyoung? His skin, along with your cheeks, began to feel warmer as he kept you close. Surely not. You had told yourself that clearly relationships aren’t for you. Why is he breaking down every wall you put up? </span>
  <em>
    <span>How </span>
  </em>
  <span>is he breaking down every wall you put up? You’d stood so firm, indestructible, to everyone else, but you were as fragile as glass in his presence. What makes Saeyoung different? </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You said it was a conversation for the morning. It’s morning now. Why were you awake?” Saeyoung wouldn’t stop prodding his brother as usual, as you sat on the couch observing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just to make sure, his name is Taeho Jun, right?” Saeran didn’t look up from his phone in his seat on another sofa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… What the hell did you do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He has a digital bank account. Just thought that it was fair to hack in and buy some shit. Not like he’ll be using it in prison.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your eyes widened. You knew that Saeran didn’t like Taeho, but he went that far?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re kidding. How did you get his bank information with his name alone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t remember. All I know is I got in and bought a new laptop.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What?! </span>
  </em>
  <span>You didn’t know how to feel. You wanted to be happy that Taeho was getting what he deserved for hurting you, and grateful for Saeran doing this himself, but you felt a twinge of uncertainty and fear. You told yourself so many times that you had brainwashed yourself: you loved Taeho. He let you have freedom around the house, he showed affection when you deserved it, even sometimes let you do what you wanted when it came to intimacy. He did hurt you, but you were told that you earned it for rebelling. He earned the money, it’s only fair that he made rules, and when those rules are broken… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You needed to tell yourself that this wasn’t love. You knew it wasn’t love, but you had clouded your mind so heavily that you couldn’t completely rid yourself of the lie. It’s not going to shed as easily as an article of clothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>cover your tracks, right?” Saeyoung asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m just going to let the bank detect activity and possibly let the police come for me.” Saeran’s words were heavily coated in derision. “What kind of idiot do you take me for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t you say that you wanted to drop hacking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still know how, and I wanted to.” He finally looked up from his phone at you, “You want anything?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His question caught you off guard. You were still trying to process the situation, you hadn’t quite fully grasped it. As your mind flashed back to the abuse, you hesitantly nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this a good idea?” Saeyoung asked with thick worry in his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She agreed, and I think it’s only fair to drain his account. I know how to make myself virtually invisible.” Saeran got up and started to walk toward the stairs, and you began to follow him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not getting it shipped here, right?” Saeyoung began to panic. Saeran huffed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” you and him started walking down the stairs, and Saeyoung ran to keep up with you guys. “You really think I’m stupid, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once you reached the bottom of the stairs, Saeran opened the door and a cold chill immediately hit you from the surprisingly spacious room. It didn’t even look like a bedroom like you were expecting when you found out Saeran slept downstairs. You had to turn left to enter the full room, and when you did, you saw two large couches, a counter with a mini fridge next to it, and a TV. It looked like a second living room. Saeran completely disregarded it and headed to a door further to the left, opening it and revealing his room. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How can they afford such a huge house? </span>
  </em>
  <span>The top floor was big enough for you to question their income, but the basement only fed your curiosity. Saeran sat down at his computer with four monitors, a couple displaying normal websites and the others showing various lines of code that you couldn’t recognise. He clicked a few times on a browser and opened up an online store.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go ahead and get whatever you want.” Saeran got off of his chair and let you sit in his place, and the chair was surprisingly comfortable. Saeyoung shot him another confused and slightly scared glare. “Relax. I’m not getting the things shipped here, there’s an empty house down the road. I just need to make sure I get the packages quickly and make sure nobody sees me. I’m not stupid enough to give our address.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After buying a few things you found interesting, the twins decided to play a game of LOLOL, set up on the downstairs TV with an HDMI cord and a couple of game controllers. You had been invited to join, but you found it fun to simply watch how they play, and listen to how they trash talk. They came up with some pretty creative insults, and it made you laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheater!” Saeyoung shot up and pointed an accusing finger at Saeran, who held his hands up in defense. The latter had killed the former for the 5th time in a row.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyung, three words.” Saeran gently set his controller down on the couch next to him and stood up slowly from his seat on your right, and you could see his body tensing up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mad because bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A sudden fire burned in Saeyoung’s amber eyes, and he began to charge at his brother. His prepared stance made sense, because he was able to nimbly slide to the right to dodge Saeyoung. He crashed into the couch right where Saeran was just sitting, right next to you. He and his brother both wound in laughter, and you were as well, though noiselessly. He ended up leaning in your direction on accident, and you let his head fall into your lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once you calmed down, Saeyoung made no attempt to move and instead grabbed his phone from his pocket. He used your thighs as a pillow, which caused the odd feeling from the quiet hours of the morning before to return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You didn’t have to second guess yourself, it wasn’t hard to recognise that you were falling for him. How? It was so soon after your last relationship, and that one had gone so downhill it may as well have been a slide into hell. You felt this same way when you had started talking to Taeho. So many similarities between Saeyoung and him before you entered the relationship. You trusted Saeyoung so much, he was your best friend, but there was a demon of doubt weighing you down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got a hair fetish or something?” Saeyoung looked up at you and smiled. You furrowed your brows in confusion, until you realised your fingers had been running through his light crimson locks without thought. You gasped lightly and yanked your hand away, and his soft giggle made your face sear and undoubtedly left kissed a soft pink. “It’s fine. It felt kind of nice, actually.” He somehow looked back down at his phone with a stone expression. With hesitancy, you brought your hand back down to his smooth hair and buried your fingers in his curls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is your throat doing okay?” He inquired. You swallowed to see if you still felt scratchy from the noise your body forced you to make as a result of the nightmare. A small sting surprised you, and you reached up and shook your head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to go get some water?” Saeran offered. You nodded graciously and he walked past to head upstairs. Once the door closed, your eyes fell back down to meet Saeyoung’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” He chuckled. You shot a small smile at him and he returned the gesture, sending another tickling shock through your stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t look at me like that.” He laughed again and covered his face with his hands, forcing his glasses to shift. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Cute.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(Chapters should go back to normal daily uploads soon. Thank you for understanding, my loves.)</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Jumin will be taking you to your appointment today.” Saeyoung said after you came out of your room, dressed to go out. You tilted your head in scepticism. It was your first proper appointment with Minjee, and the twins wouldn’t be coming…? You felt a stab in your chest, and Saeyoung immediately read your pained look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Saeran and I just have some things to do here. I promise we’ll go to the next one. I can understand if you’re mad at us.” He looked down at his feet, and behind him, you saw Saeran turning the corner from the kitchen holding a whiteboard, a couple markers, and a small magnetic eraser. Your eyes lit up, you knew immediately what they were meant for. You didn’t even have to wait for him to explain, you rushed forward and graciously took them out of his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now you have a voice of your own.” He offered a small grin that looked exactly like Saeyoung’s, but it didn’t induce the same warm feeling. You nodded and turned back to the older twin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He should be here any minute now.” Saeyoung stated bluntly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, his driver. He can’t drive for shit,” Saeran chuckled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jumin will be there as well to keep you company.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What do they need to do here that they can’t come with me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We have about two hours while she’s gone. Come on.” Saeyoung raced into his bedroom, his brother on his heels, and his hands landed on a large box that held a desk that still needed assembling. The furniture for your bedroom had come in, sitting on the porch early in the morning and the brothers were able to get it all inside before you woke up. They wanted it to be a surprise for when you came home from your appointment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeran crouched down and slid his hands under the box while Saeyoung lifted it from the top, and they had to work together to get it into your room. While Saeyoung ripped the tape from the box, seeming to not know the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘patient,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>the younger twin rolled his eyes and headed back to fetch another item small enough for just him to get without assistance. He settled on grabbing the roll of posters, consisting of several pictures from your favorite band (two of which were signed), a couple pieces of art that you mentioned you found pretty, and your favorite movie. Saeran let out a laugh to himself, his brother was obviously trying to impress you and he didn’t know subtlety. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time all of the boxes had been moved, only about five minutes had been shaved from their total time, but Saeyoung treated it as if they only had five minutes </span>
  <em>
    <span>left. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He wound up frantically unpacking boxes in no specific order and ripping parts out, nearly rendering them indistinguishable from one another. Saeran had to stomp over and grab his brother’s wrists in order to get him to calm down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re acting like there’s a bomb here. We’re not at Rika’s apartment or Magenta, we’re safe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what if she comes home too early and nothing is ready?” He tried to rip his arms away, but Saeran tightened his grip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The appointment should take an hour and a half. The drive there is fifteen minutes, and the drive back makes it thirty. That should be plenty of time, and if we need more, we can tell Jumin to stall. Just relax, for fuck’s sake.” He snapped. Saeyoung’s muscles loosened and he slowly nodded, releasing the breath he had been holding in a heavy sigh, and then got to work.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get me a screwdriver, Hyung.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But we don’t drink alcohol.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is how you get punched.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where are the hooks for the lights?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you checked the bag that you threw into the corner while making a mess earlier?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Oh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, my glasses are on my face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> where they were. I could have sworn I put them somewhere.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Hyung?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get me the drill. There’s a few loose screws.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought we got them all, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clearly not the ones in your head.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Move your feet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I’m sorry, do you not see me </span>
  <em>
    <span>mounting a TV?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to spread out the rug.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to drop this TV on your head?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Carry on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just making sure you’re putting it on the mounts right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And breathing down my neck the whole time. Piss off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are we done?” Saeyoung backed up into the doorway to observe the product of their work. Saeran looked at his brother and scoffed at his awestruck expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We did this. You’re acting like you’re seeing it for the first time.” He shoved past Saeyoung and into the hallway. Saeyoung checked his phone and gasped; you were supposed to be home any time. It turns out they had </span>
  <em>
    <span>just </span>
  </em>
  <span>enough time to finish setting everything up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sighed as you stared out the window of the car. The sun was beginning to draw closer to the horizon, casting fiery hues across the sky, and the clouds seemed to turn into fluffy cotton candy upon the light's touch. The closest star was beginning to withdraw, allowing for the night to cleanse the stresses of the day. However, the night opens doors to more, possibly worse problems, that didn’t take on a physical form for you to push away, but instead manifested as a growing shadow behind your face, left as an imprint of your trauma. The warm tones painting the sky would be stunning and beautiful to others, but it merely seemed like a warning for you, indicating the last moments of peace of mind. Your demons were nocturnal and awoke the second the light retreated, tormenting you mercilessly. You wanted to sleep early to fend off the morbid thoughts, but every night, you still fell victim to the ruckus in your brain before you could achieve your hopes and stayed awake at the demons’ commands. The fear of inevitably enduring the impossible battle is what kept you from enjoying the warm image in the sky that displayed every day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before long, Driver Kim pulled in front of the house, and your legs carried you out of the car and to the front porch after saying goodbye to both him and Jumin. You still felt that you didn’t live at this house, so you instinctively knocked on the door. Your gentle knocks caused quick scuffling inside to become increasingly audible until the door swung open to reveal Saeyoung, holding a bowl of your favorite snack in his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’d you knock?” He asked. You shrugged and walked in when he allowed you to pass. He offered the bowl to you, and a smile crept onto your face. You were just about to walk further into the house to fall onto the couch, but Saeyoung’s next words stopped you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, we have a surprise for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(The chapter ends here, so you don’t have to read this, but I just want to say thank you. I have been having a hard time fighting my mind lately and your kind words have been helping me move forward. God I hate being sappy.)</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>A surprise?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The idea of a surprise scared you, mainly because you hadn’t experienced a pleasant one in months. Saeyoung’s golden eyes scanned your slightly frightened character and he offered a soft look of reassurance as well as a hand for you to take. You instead flicked your head as a signal for him to simply lead you. He bowed quickly in acknowledgement, then began to walk--to your surprise--toward your room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember how I said we wouldn’t be able to go to your appointment because we were working on something?” You followed him in curiosity. He didn’t need an answer to continue, “This is what we were doing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He twisted the knob on the closed door and pushed it open. The sight of this gorgeous room captivated you, and your palm met your mouth rapidly as you absorbed the surroundings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The full size bed on the opposite wall was now covered in soft-looking bedsheets in your favorite color, and a few fluffy, white pillows rested along the wall along the side of the bed.  A fluffy white and grey polka-dotted rug was strategically placed at the floor beside it, right where you would stand up in the morning. Several posters of your favorite bands hung above the bed, and across the room, you could see that about three or four were signed. Lining the right wall, a large dresser made of polished oak wood stood next to a desk of the same color, which itself was holding an expensive-looking computer. A large TV was mounted on the wall above the dresser, which seemed to be perfectly visible from the bed. What enthralled you the most, though, were delicately hung pale yellow fairy lights lining the full room, right at the top of the walls, and you could see the switch for the string landing right on the bedside table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The whole room was gorgeous, and it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>yours.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I’ve given you nothing…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“As long as you’re living here, I’m going to make sure you’re comfortable. Let me know if there’s anything you want to change.” Saeyoung’s smooth voice rang from behind you. The tears welling in your eyes stung with a more pleasant feeling; rather than overbearing indignation or melancholy acting as the spawn, they were injected with the ecstasy that ran through your mind. This gesture of organising a bedroom for you was a wordless way to say that you were welcome, that they’ve dedicated their time, effort, and money into helping you stay with them, and they didn’t want to leave you alone or abandon you. You sighed and turned to meet Saeyoung’s smiling face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s… something that I saw online as well while browsing that made me think of you.” You saw his face distort in obvious reluctance further with every other word. He shook his head quickly in dismissal, probably a thought that popped up in his mind, and spoke, “Let me go get it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were left standing in the middle of the room after he exited, heading toward his own. Is it another pin? You loved the one that you had already. Your hand reached up and your fingers traced the design, causing a grin to form.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His footsteps got closer and you felt your shoulders grow tense and the smile vacated as quickly as you felt you had wanted to. You knew he wouldn’t hurt you, but… Was this instinct? Another scrap stuck to you from your experiences? What would it take to completely cleanse yourself of all remnants and become a clean slate? You forced yourself to fight the urge to cower and met his face when he crossed past the doorway. You shot a happy expression his way in an attempt to hide your irrational panic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gah… Don’t look at me like that.” He chuckled. Your mind was blinded by the brief flash of pride from being able to conceal the negative feelings that you missed the quick brush of a pale rose champagne shade on his cheeks, fleeting as promptly as it arrived. His arm shifted, and it was only then that you noticed that he held it behind his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What’s that? </span>
  </em>
  <span>You pointed at his arm and thought to yourself as if he could hear. Your simple action seemed to be enough for him to draw it out, revealing a dark wood box, barely filling the palm of his hand. As he held it out to you, your breath caught in your throat and the doubt began catching up with you. You had to look up at his face and stare into his approving eyes to finally overpower the insecurity with confidence and take the gift.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your fingers grazed something cold on the back that turned out to be a small wind-up crank. This disproved your first thought about the box being a container, instead it would be the item itself. You opened the lid and saw four words that made your heart skip a beat:</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You are my sunshine.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a music box, and the crank was to play the song. You began to turn it, and the beautiful melody filled the near-empty room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once the song finished, Saeyoung spoke up, “I know how much you’re hurting. You’re not… you’re not alone. You’re doing more than you realise for both me and Saeran. We l...  you’re loved by all of us, the members of the RFA.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You gently placed the music box on the bedside table and then took a couple steps toward him. You saw his breath hitch as you got closer than normal, and the hue returned. More confident that he felt the same way, the fears holding you back this whole time washed away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The blood rushing in his ears drowned out his heavy breathing. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This isn’t happening. This isn’t…!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>As much as he wanted to slam his mouth into yours, taste and feel your lips that no longer spoke the words of encouragement that acted as his light in the dark times, to direct his arms to lay on your back and hold you tight like you would disintegrate and leave his life a void at any moment, to give up all control and show his love to you that’s been held at bay for months and recently began breaking out and fighting, he knew better. He knew that it was probably a lot for you to even get this close to him, he didn’t want to screw things up when they seemed to just be beginning. Or maybe it was all in his head, he was just contorting reality to fit his own taboo wishes. Either way, he needed to let you move at a pace that you’re comfortable with, and as much as he knew you, only you were aware of that speed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Especially</span>
  </em>
  <span> since you had </span>
  <em>
    <span>just </span>
  </em>
  <span>survived an attack by your last boyfriend a couple weeks ago. The slightest unexpected movement could send you to a bad place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your arms slid up to wrap around his neck. He never understood the cliché “They take my breath away” until this very moment. He couldn’t breathe if he wanted to. The doe eyes staring up into his own caused his hands to begin trembling. He wasn’t prepared for you to press your forehead against his collarbone, however. His elbows bent and his hands hovered around your waist, unsure if he was allowed to hug you back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t have enough time to contemplate if he should, because after waiting for what felt like hours, you shifted and your every move captured his attention. In a move that felt familiar, you slid a hand from his neck into his hair. The little space between you and him caused your scent to invade and overwhelm his senses, almost inebriating. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This is a dream… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Your face panned up, and all at once, your lips connected like puzzle pieces that had finally come back together after years of seclusion to his. Saeyoung’s body pulsed and buzzed, his head whirled, and if his eyes hadn’t slammed shut, he could have seen stars. How cliché, but he now understood, finally, what it felt like to be embraced and loved this intimacy. The world vanished and it was just him and you together in this moment. He could get addicted to the warm feeling of admiration, adoration, love… This warm fluttering feeling coursing through his veins--he couldn’t live without it after experiencing such heaven. Perhaps it was just because it was with you, his best friend of nearly a year, that the sensation was as strong as all of those cheesy rom-coms and love songs described. The emotion clogging his mind allowed for the physical weight to take place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t anticipate such a cold, empty feeling once you took your warmth with your retreat. You couldn’t look into his eyes for more than half a second before yanking your arms toward you and stepping away, staring down in shame. He knew that had you had a voice, you would have been apologising. For what, he didn’t know. But it pained his heart nonetheless.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>I shouldn’t have gotten greedy. I screwed things up. They’re going to throw me out. He hates me now. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>You found yourself turning from Saeyoung and crouching down without conscious command. You were never meant to initiate any sort of affection, you’re only allowed to receive. You hated it. You were once again losing control over your thoughts; the brakes were broken, there was no hope of slowing down, and the thought of </span>
  <em>
    <span>stopping </span>
  </em>
  <span>was too far for you to even perceive. Once again, the hurricane in your head might as well have been warping reality. Losing sight of who was around you, assuming the absolute worst and preparing accordingly for the pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who knew that something as simple as a kiss, one that </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>started, would do this?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s no winning. You had started the affection, and now your head was spinning and your body was shaking from anxiety, spawned from breaking the rules that had been engraved in your mind. If Saeyoung had advanced, you could have possibly had flashbacks to when Taeho would advance on you, and the only times he had kissed you was when he had wanted sex, regardless of your thoughts or wishes… You could have given up and trembled while waiting for the inevitable. If neither of you did anything, you would feel frustrated with yourself. Your feelings toward him would remain in the shadows and the questions about the music box would be left unanswered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No winning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A hand brushed your shoulder, and in a panic, you reeled away and shuffled against the bed to try to get away from the potential threat. Your forearms stayed glued to the sides of your head, and you brought your knees up to your chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saeyoung spoke your name, and his voice snapped you back to reality. While your muscles remained rigid, you slowly lifted your head and observed his attempt to reach his hand forward. He tried his best in his shaky state to keep a consistent, easy pace as to not startle you. Once it lightly landed on the same shoulder he attempted to hold a moment earlier, he sighed and dropped his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did nothing wrong. I’m not mad.” He rubbed shapes with his thumb on you. You felt yourself relax scarcely as his words reached you. With each gentle swipe of his finger, he coaxed your body closer toward composure. Your eyes stayed trained on his lips, slightly parted and twitching with an urge to speak, say something, </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything, </span>
  </em>
  <span>to comfort you, though his ministrations were sufficient already. No words to be said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You expended yourself when you found it impossible to stay as tense as you were for another second. You took in a shaky breath and dropped your arms. Saeyoung sat down in front of you and opened his arms for you to decide if you wanted him to hold you, as much as he wanted to. Graceful didn’t seem to be in your vocabulary when you fell forward, your temple landing on his lower chest. He embraced you yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did nothing wrong.” He repeated. You fidgeted in his grasp to sit in his lap rather than the floor, and you leaned your head on his shoulder, facing his neck. He shuddered as your warm breath tickled his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’ll hurt me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>How </span>
  <em>
    <span>bad </span>
  </em>
  <span>are the trust issues?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s going to stomp on me like a weed and throw me away.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Why is the voice so </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This won’t last.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Why-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I kiss you again?” Saeyoung ran his hand through your hair which caused your eyes to flicker shut briefly, and you sighed happily. He brought you back from the pit in your mind. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>asked permission. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Something that you weren’t used to. You weren’t accustomed to being treated like a person; only as a tool, a toy. You pulled your head from his skin and looked at him, silently letting him know your answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was more gentle, slow and sweet. You turned to putty in his hold, resulting from a combination of his slender fingers massaging your scalp, his smooth lips slotted against yours, the ever-so-subtle scent of his cologne wafting from his neck, and his snug grip around your waist that held you close. Your limbs fizzed into static, your stomach devolved to somersaults. His hand from your body elevated to cup your cheek, and still held your face when he pulled away to stare at your face and gauge your reaction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You really are my best friend, you know,” Your heart stopped for a moment, “And I’m pretty sure you know I want something more. Is that okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(I apologise sincerely for the slower uploads, and the shorter chapter. I may take a break for a few days, I know I said that I would go back to normal but my demons have different plans. I’m so sorry.)</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Months later...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Happy birthday.” The words you hadn’t heard in years, combined with the pad of his thumb gliding delicately over your cheek. The best way to wake up. You blinked awake to see him crouched down by your bed, staring at you through equally tired eyes and a lazy grin. He leaned forward to plant a quick peck on your lips and moved his hand from your face to your hair. You couldn't recall a single day in months that you hadn't flashed a smile, and already, the first few seconds of the day, it was added to this list that you wanted to keep up for the rest of your life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have any plans for today, we’ve left today competely open for you to do what you want. You can drag us around the city if you want.” He chuckled. “Today is your day, my love.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(Fin~)</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I understand if you wanted more, but if I continued this story, I would have quickly lost ideas for how to push it forward plot-wise, thus most likely resulting in repetitious filler and I don't feel comfortable doing what feels like the same thing again and again. I'm sorry.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. new - petrified</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>announcement </strong> </span>
</p><p>sequel - 'petrified'</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>this is a lot of meaningless rambling on my part, tl;dr at the end</em>
</p><p> </p><p>this was left on a bad note and its gotten under my skin ever since. huge shoutout to @Another_sasuke_fangirl for helping, ofc im going to give them credit, since they helped get the ball back rolling. im probably not going to stick strictly to what they suggested, but also branch out a bit. cough cough i have tons of ideas for another fic i just didnt know how to get it started and i think i have enough to extend this into a trilogy buuuuuuut i might be getting too ahead of myself.</p><p>though i am telling this, that doesnt mean its ready. not even close. i want to pre-write chapters to get a head start, as i do all the time. you can expect to see it sometime within the next few months, but dont kill me if i take longer. mental health has been acting up and frequently my head goes "nah, youre not gonna write, youre gonna lay in bed for 4 days straight" so thats the situation. i dont want to force myself to write since the best works come from when ive got energy. so its not going to be out in the near future, but it is coming! hopefully before may i think, judging by my habits and abilities. sorry itll take a while.</p><p>i appreciate the support this fic has gotten. thats one of the main reasons i write, not going to lie, because it makes me feel like im not a waste. im not trying to beg for attention, i dont want to turn this into a sob story, dont give me forced compliments please. i dislike that, honestly, the superficiality of support only gained by crying out for another reason than seeking help. dont worry about me, i have a therapist and medication, im surviving. im just saying that seeing the success lifts me up a bit and i want to share that in a way that means something.</p><p> </p><p><strong>tl;dr</strong> - 'silence' is getting a sequel, and <em>maayybeeee</em> a threequel, in the coming months. shoutout to @Another_sasuke_fangirl once again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>thank you</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>~ry</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>update 3/25</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>i am almost done with the first chapter. i think i'll maybe write about 4 or 5 before putting it out so that way i can have an easier time with the flow of the story and consistency of updates. again, don't expect it in a few days. probably some time in late april if i have to guess. i'm still in high school and that takes up a lot of my time.</p><p>
  <strike>another meaningless note but you guys should totally check out 'a good song never dies' and 'move' by saint motel if you like alternative/indie rock music lol</strike>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. update</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>hello hello</p>
<p>the sequel is coming along nicely and should be out in a couple months. however, i wont be available as often as i would like during the summer to write because i just got my first job. now that i have both school and work, things might slow down and i apologize for that. i'm pretty sure i'm going to be working only during the weekends, at least for a few weeks, so i should still have weekday evenings as free time.</p>
<p>not gonna lie i'm really nervous .-. i have borderline disabling social anxiety and i'm going to be working with people, so this might be good practice or i could go down in flames.</p>
<p>anyway enough about me. sorry about the constant slow-downs</p>
<p>tl;dr my free time just got cut down because i now have school and a job to worry about, so the sequel will more than likely be delayed a few weeks. i'm sorry.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i've lost the will. it's put off indefinitely. i might come back to it but it's highly unlikely. i'm sorry. i'll keep my account open so that you can still read what i've left.</p><p>don't care about me. i'm not worth your time.</p>
  </div></div>
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